This week: Death Boat, guy-liner, the Crips!

Plus: A plea for purer pot!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hello. I was just reading in the Rant Line™ about somebody claiming to be Jonas, saying that we were hearing him again. He’s an imitator. I’m THE REAL JONAS. That is a fake Jonas. Thou shalt have no Jonases before me. I am the Jonas, thy Jonas, commandment number one.[BLEEP!]

M To the motherfuckin’ punk ass that tagged my WHEELCHAIR at the El-P show. What the fuck were you thinking, kid? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up? I’m calling about the MC bitching about being cut off on the radio while rapping. Dude, it’s their show, they cut off whoever they want. And they’re gonna crowd the studio with their friends. But that’s not really my rant, it’s about people dissing the WRITTEN RHYME. You’re too easily impressed if all that’s required to get your props is the ability to go off the top. There, I just did it by accident. Some of the greatest verses and songs in all of the history of hip hop have been written and rapped by MCs who rarely, if ever, freestyle. I know for a fact that the world’s best freestyle ever couldn’t compare to my worst ever written rhyme. And besides, you’re calling up that show because you’re probably hoping that people will hear your name and say, “Yo, dude, I heard you on the radio, you’re pretty good.” But they’re not really giving away careers. You’ve got to work at that shit and make a career for yourself. It’s an ever-evolving beast, it’s an entity that breeds for itself. So anyway, pick up the pen. Oh, and this rant was not pre-written and may not be reprinted beyond the Rant Line™ without express written permission. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve only got one question: What is DEATH BOAT? Or, more importantly, who is Death Boat and why do I keep hearing about these guys? Thanks. [[BLEEP!]

M I understand that Wolf Parade had equipment stolen from them and I just want to say to them, dudes, get INSURANCE. So I feel for you that there was music on a hard drive that was lost but, above and beyond that, if this is the way you put food in your mouth, take 20 bucks a month, get some basic insurance. Then the next time you get robbed, you won’t have to go blaming some junkie. That’s what it’s there for, folks. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, what’s up? This is Nikole Kaye from the Farm Team. You know, it’s really sad to see people ranting on the Rant Line™ wasting their time trying to degrade others so they can feel better about themselves. To this person who left the message about Farm Team STUFFING the Best of Montreal ballots every year, I’d like to advise them that we do not do that. In fact, every time that we win, we are quite surprised. But we do know that we haven’t toured a lot and we haven’t had a lot of exposure yet we’re able to get people to VOTE FOR US. So why don’t you go back and drown in your misery and stuff the ballots and try to win this year and we’ll go back to being Number One, alright? Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, what’s going on, Rant Line™? So, you know, we’re talking about people stuffing ballots for Best of Montreal hip hop and Farm Team doing it every year. Um, but no one brought up ICM. Because every year ICM seems to pop up in categories like Best Graffiti Crew and their members appear in other categories and it’s like there’s enough people in the goddamn crew to vote and win every category! So if Farm Team is stuffing the ballots, so is ICM. So let’s play fair and call out those who stuff the ballots. Alright? Okay. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, you guys got me wondering, am I Montreal’s Best Weirdo for not knowing who the hell Maysr is? [BLEEP!]

F Hi Rant Line™, I want to complain about WEIRD DUDES. They’re not so cute and they’re coming on to me and my friends. It’s almost impossible to walk through the park without having someone giving you shit about themselves and talking for hours hoping to get laid. And I mean, it’s not because we don’t say fuck off that we’re interested so, guys, please be more rational, leave us alone. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is all just for the fucking losers that wear GUY-LINER and their little sister’s tight pants. I hope that when they look back at their family photo albums, I will have the last laugh at the fact that they are the MULLET of our generation. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This is a public service announcement to all the little gangster wannabes who hang around NDG and Ville St-Laurent. Wearing blue does not make you a CRIP. That is all. [BLEEP!]

M Wassup people? To all you growers out there, can you please grow real cannabis and stop passing off this chemically-boosted Quaalude-substitute as weed? Why can’t we smoke a joint without feeling like we’re on E. Damn, man, why doesn’t anyone make a fuss about GMO-POT ? Quit messing with it. Anyone who says they don’t do chemicals that smokes pot is lying to themselves. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

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