Love the clit

Dear Sasha
After coming out of a 10-year relationship with a man whose identity was extremely caught up in his sexuality, as well as being a woman who has difficulty orgasming, I find myself suddenly single and feeling damaged.

During the long-term relationship, the question was always about what was wrong with me and what I needed to fix and/or deal with to become more orgasmic. I know now that more attention should have been put on the ex’s (unrealistic) requests and his identity issues, but that’s in the past, and in truth, I just want to be liberated now. I can only reach orgasm by stimulating myself clitorally, but this seems to make guys feel inadequate and this snowballs into my feeling abnormal. Then my emotions start taking the front seat and I can’t make myself come at all, which perpetuates the inadequacy feelings.

I’ve started with a daily orgasm routine, but I’m not seeing any change in myself when I add a partner to the mix. I am still insecure and awkward. I realize that I still have healing to do, but until I’m better, do you have any suggestions for leading a more fulfilling sex life after a decade of problems?

As an added excitement for me, given my great respect for you, we have shared a lover, can you imagine? I have followed your articles since you started and laughed my ass off to learn that [names the person I will shove in front of a streetcar if I ever see them again, even if there are lots of people standing around as witnesses] was one.

—Damaged Goods

Dear Damaged,

I hate to burst your bubble, but this person has slept with everybody. It’s like imagining we have an intimate connection because we both like soup and snow peas. If I was to name my top three letters (and since people always ask, I might as well), they would go, in no particular order:

I am funny, smart and considered attractive and I haven’t had sex in three years. What’s wrong with me?

How can I get my partner to…?

How can I reach orgasm in a way that is incompatible with my sexual anatomy?

In fact, in the very same e-mail batch with yours was one from a woman whose husband was disappointed in her climax technique because it didn’t mimic the girls in porn.

How many times do we have to say it? Porn is not an appropriate measure of sexual response (though for many people it’s a good way to help it along). Even when I interviewed Ron Jeremy, someone who has worked in the business for 30 years, he firmly acknowledged the same thing, and believe me, Ron is willing to stretch the truth to make a buck—the man has shilled penis pumps. Speaking of men in porn, have you noticed the way they have to perform? They twist to one side and put their hand on their sacrum so that the camera can see their penis going in and out and in and out. Would you boys like to have to fuck like that? Come on now.

You are not in adult movies and you are not a geisha learning to eat a morsel of tofu without touching your lips, you’re a woman who just wants to come during sex. Damaged, you’re a woman who just wants to come during sex. Jesus, listen to yourself: “I can only reach orgasm by stimulating myself clitorally.” Have you seen the size of that thing? Even considering its internal portion, can you believe the bang you get for your buck? We gobble up technology that’s as small and produces a comparably impressive effect, so why are we so down on the clit? I encourage you to continue exploring your sexual anatomy but with a positive focus on your technique and inherent abilities. Just because your personal method is the easiest to come by doesn’t mean it’s not a fucking miracle.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM