This week: Jonas, Avril Lavigne, Farm Team, Rick James!

Plus: Man appears in Rant Line™
for 14th time!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hello, this is Jonas and this is you hearing me again. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™, hello Mirror. Why even give any space at all to review the Avril Lavigne CD? No one who likes AVRIL LAVIGNE is ever going to look at the Mirror to find how good the album is. Why even waste space to give it a 5.5 out of 10? No one who likes Avril Lavigne reads the Mirror. So you’re just basically taking some space to dis Avril Lavigne to up your own STREET CRED. There are plenty of CDs out there to review other than Avril Lavigne’s. Have a good night. [BLEEP!]

F I’ve realized that it’s that time of year again where the Best of Montreal is coming around and I just wanna let you guys know, please, please, do not vote for the FARM TEAM. They’re just a bunch of losers. All they do is stuff the ballots every freakin’ year. Nobody even knows who the hell they are, and yet they win or they’re second place in the hip hop category. So please, please, do not vote for them. Get your mind straight. Vote for real hip hop. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey. I just read the weirdest rant by Maysr and I just think he’s such a weirdo that I thought it’d be pretty appropriate to vote him Montreal’s Best Weirdo. So, whoever’s listening, please let’s vote it. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I just read Maysr’s rant trying to get out of being Montreal’s Best Weirdo this year. What he’s really trying to say is that he wants to be NUMBER ONE and he’s sick and tired of not being number one weirdo. So please vote for the number one-est weirdo in the city. Word. Maysr. [BLEEP!]

F I would like to congratulate Zoobizarre on having the best idea ever. They put chalk in their bathrooms so you can just write all over the walls. It sounds retarded but everyone should do it. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is a rant about how fucking bad it’s smelling in bars and clubs now that you can’t smoke anymore. Notice how all the cigarette smoke seemed to cover up the stale, stinking smell of beer and body odour and piss and VOMIT? [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to all the would-be humourists and comics out there that think that simply repeating the words I’M RICK JAMES BITCH makes them funny. There’s one guy who was funny doing that. The rest of you—five, six years later—are lame and boring. [BLEEP!]

M Know who I’ve got to send crazy respect to? People with plural first names. All you people out there named Johns, Marks, Marcos—anyone who’s got an S at the end of their name that just doesn’t need to be there, you’re amazing. [BLEEP!]

M This is going out to all the people who STEAL BICYCLES in Montreal. I just lost a fucking beautiful mountain bike that I had worked and slaved to own in order to be more ecologically conscious and I want to let you bastards know that if I ever see you stealing a bike again, I’m going to get a baseball bat and I’m going to beat you over the head. People who steal bicycles are the lowest form of vermin! ENSLAVING WOMEN in Eastern Europe is probably worse—it is worse—but fucking stealing a bike? I worked all summer for my bike. You stole it. Now I’m fucked. Curse you, you motherfucking cocksucker stealers. Thanks for letting me rant. [BLEEP!]

F When I walked past the Kyoto Pour L’Espoire march I noticed a lot of the signs that were made on placards that were disposable. I find that very interesting—a whole bunch of people marching for the environment and they’re carrying signs that are just going to be thrown out afterwards. And later, much to my non-surprise, as I was walking down Mont-Royal, what did I see in the garbage but a giant non-biodegradable sign that had proenvironment slogans on it. Practise what you preach. [BLEEP!]

M I have a few questions for the tenants and homeowners on the stretch of Monkland between Girouard and Decarie. Regarding summertime practices on your patios, terrasses, and balconies. Basically, before you bought or leased your home, did the bank/landlord make you sign an agreement form to keep a SMUG and satisfied look on your faces every time you step out on your beautiful 14x10-foot vistas overlooking street activities? As if you were living in nature, where you could watch all the little birds and bees go by without ever having to actually co-exist with them in any way? All the while keeping a self-satisfied look, as one might when watching a gorilla in the zoo, thinking about how, not so long ago, that was me or you or all of us. [BLEEP!]

M To the homeless guy who I’ve caught SMOKING CRACK on my steps twice, stop. And don’t ask me for money when you see me on the street. I know it’s not going towards food. [BLEEP!]

M Hats off to the guy who says he’s been in the Rant Line™ some hundred times. I’ve appeared in the Rant Line™ quite often myself—not a hundred but I think it’s up to 13? And with this rant, maybe 14. Okay, take it easy. [BLEEP!]

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