Assault with a dirty weapon

by RAF KATIGBAK

Last Monday, prostitute Nancy Dubé testified her client forced her to help rob a jewellery store in the Côte-des-Neiges district in 2005 at gunpoint. Before entering the store, Dubé testified that the pair smoked crack, and she was then handed a tuque and a 30-centimetre pink dildo and told to smash open the jewellery display cases. After entering the store, Dubé tried to smash open a jewellery counter, but the dildo snapped in two. Her companion then cracked the glass with his gun, and ordered her to scoop the jewels into a large black bag. Dubé, who pleaded guilty to armed robbery at the Victoria Ave. shop, is serving a four-year prison sentence. Source: The Gazette

Upon reading this, several obvious questions arise: First of all, exactly how pink was it? Fleshy pink? Hot pink? Fluo pink with glitter? And perhaps more importantly, why a dildo? Perhaps it was all that was lying around, but if you’re going to the trouble of going on a crack-fuelled jewel heist, why not pick up something a little more practical—maybe something not made of hygienic silicone—like I dunno, say... a hammer?

Or maybe it was just the client’s way of introducing some much-needed excitement into his humdrum everyday jewellery heist.

Felon: Hello. I was hoping you could help me find something. I’m looking for a dildo.

Sex shop owner: Sure, can I ask you what it’s for—only because there are so many kinds—is it for anal sex, vaginal, oral?

F: It’s for robbery, mostly. I feel like I need to spice things up a little. Basically I need to find something playful, safe and with enough heft to break through a jewellery case. Would a dildo do it?

SSO: Um, well, I guess. It’d have to be pretty big, like the John Holmes model or maybe the Scene Stealer Solid 12-Inch Dong.

F: Which is the most popular? It’d be good if it were non-descript, like a getaway car.

SSO: Well, to be honest, we don’t sell too many dildos. The Hitachi Magic Wand is our biggest seller—it’s a vibrator.

F: Is it the getaway car of vibrators?

SSO: Well, it’s more like a Rolls Royce: it’s got two speeds and interchangeable heads. The only downside is that it needs to be plugged in so you have to be near an outlet.

F: How is it on glass smashing?

SSO: Well, it does have a warranty so if it doesn’t work, you can get it repaired or replaced. I don’t think glass smashing is covered though.

F: Okay, let’s talk butt plugs. What’s the best way to commit a felony with ’em?

SSO: Well, you couldn’t break glass with them, but I suppose if you needed to keep someone quiet you could put it in their mouth, but we have ball gags for that so it would be sort of redundant.

F: What about anal beads?

SSO: What about them?

F: Can I commit a crime with them?

SSO: I guess you could use it to choke someone. But we don’t usually recommend that.

F: What about this inflatable doll?

SSO: Well, if you’re robbing a place, you could dress her up and put her in the passenger seat of the car, she could be like an accomplice.

F: How about lube? How could I commit a crime with lube?

SSO: Well, I guess one way would be to wait behind someone at an ATM, and when they turn around with cash, you could squirt them in the eye with Motion Lotion. They come in 12 different flavours. My favourite is Hot Passion Fruit.

F: How about nipple clamps? Could I maybe extract the combination to a vault by putting these on the bank manager?

SSO: Well, you’d be surprised how many bank managers are actually into that kind of stuff, but maybe if you put in on too tight, then yeah.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca