This week: Jonas, Maysr, Rosa Parks!

Plus: Some dogs don’t listen!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Yeah, what’s twisted is when you call up a radio station and you’re dropping a genuine freestyle and actually BATTLING the cat who was on before you and they HANG UP on you mid-rhyme. Then you go turn on the radio and you hear some 15-year-old kid spitting written rhymes all off-beat just because he’s trying to hear himself on the radio. Don’t hang up on me! Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, here’s a story. Before JONAS came to Montreal, CHOM played “Bows and Arrows” ad nauseum. And then he came and went. And now he’s apparently coming back, because they’re playing “Bows and Arrows” ad nauseum again. If I hear “Bows and Arrows” and Jonas one more time, I’m going to kill myself! I can’t take it! Instead of C-H-O-M, they should call it J-O-N-A-S. I’m going to scream! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is MAYSR. I just realized it’s the Best of Montreal time again and I would like to ask people in Montreal to stop voting for me as Montreal’s Best Weirdo. I think I’ve been in that category four years in a row. I can agree that I’m a little DIFFERENT than most, but you would only know that if you knew me well. Most of the people voting probably don’t know me at all, and I don’t think I qualify as a weirdo. That’s it. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

F This rant goes out to the pathetic asshole who can’t handle being called WHITEY and who Rosa Parks would reach out of her grave and strangle if she knew that pricks like him were invoking her memory while blaming black people for violence, addiction and poverty. Boofucking- hoo! Somebody makes a comment that doesn’t carry an iota of the bigoted history laden in the word nigger and you raise hell like someone actually oppressed you. Maybe you would understand what racism really looks and feels like if you shut your shit-spewing mouth up and consider that we still live in a white supremacy? Police abuse of black people exists in this very city. Whites still export the majority of our trash and toxic waste into black neighbourhoods, AFRICVILLE being a really good recent example. Do I have to bring up the overrepresentation of black people in prison or the quality of education or the bullshit war on drugs? The truth is, mighty macho loser, that you might have the balls to phone in a whiny racist rant, but if Rosa Parks was here, she’d smack them with her purse. [BLEEP!]

F And that is why you get called whitey, you dumb CRACKER. [BLEEP!]

F Listen, girl, nobody cares about what you listen to on your iPod. Do you care that I listen to everything from Cryptopsy to Led Zeppelin, Mos Def to Frank Sinatra—do you care? My whole rant, by the way, was that you guys are all idiots because you’re all going to end up middle-aged and married with kids and you won’t even be able to think about iPods. You’re all suckers and I’m glad that I was smarter than you at that age. God. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, maybe your iPod has some okay music on it but you still suck. [BLEEP!]

M Good day. I’m calling about the dude complaining about people who put choker chains on the dogs. Some dogs NEED choker chains. You put a harness on the dog, it pulls you down the street. Some dogs don’t fucking listen! Some dogs don’t walk properly! So you put the choker on the dog, he goes out of line, you pull it once— properly—the dog will stop running around. Unless it’s inbred, then you’ve just got a fucking BEAST and you should let him out in the Laurentians to run around and chase squirrels and then let him die like a fucking real dog. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hey, this is a call out to all you STONER MONTREALERS. It’s 4/20! Which means that, after this point, every Sunday is an official Tam-Tam. Be sure to present yourself so we can be numerous and dancing and joyous and stoned. Okay? [BLEEP!]

M This one goes out to the douche-hole that, this very night, robbed me of my beautiful skateboard with the hand-carved record and crossbones insignia in the grip tape. I put my heart into that motherfucker. This is a small town. I will find you and I will take my board back. Renew your Medicare card, motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is to the annoying Montreal pussies who go out and then, you know, somebody wants to take a line of COCAINE and they just insist on banging on the door as if they’re the Queen Elizabeth! I don’t fucking think so! If you want some fucking blow, buy your own fucking blow, take the fucking blow with your friend instead of fucking coming and demanding for her to fucking open the door! Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is to that woman complaining about the mural that was painted over. Uh, lady, welcome to urban art. It’s fluid and changing. You want something to stay the same? Hang it up in your lame living room. ‘Night. [BLEEP!]

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