The cosmic conspiracy

by RAF KATIGBAK

I don’t think I ever mentioned this, but I’ve always been obsessed with the sky. From an early age, my celestial obsession set me apart from the other kids. At recess, while my Grade 2 classmates would dangle from the monkey bars and chase each other around with caterpillars, I would stare up at the heavens until the bell rang and teachers would have to drag me back into my chair. In class, they would never seat me next to a window because, if given the chance, I would always end up gazing into the clouds. I can imagine the teachers in their staff room—which had that peculiar stale smell of a bowling alley—taking long hauls from their Players Lights, gossiping about all their problem kids, “And what’s up with that one?” they’d say about me. “He’s always looking outside, like he’s waiting for something to happen.”

The truth was, I was waiting for something. It all started when I was nine. That’s when I remember seeing the UFO...

I’m just fucking with you. I’ve never seen a UFO. And if I was staring at the sky when I was a kid, it’s because I spent a little too much time exploring the enchanting aroma of Liquid Paper and Magic Markers. But I have been thinking a lot about aliens these days. Not illegal ones, but actual visitors from outer space.

Sometimes I think that aliens have already invaded, that they are already among us and are in the midst of taking over our minds and invading our society. But I don’t think that they would be super-obvious about it. Unlike ex-Quebec-based cult leader Raël, I don’t think aliens look like those green bug-eyed dudes you see on Amsterdam t-shirts with a joint in its mouth going, “Take me to your dealer,” but like Raël, I do believe that if aliens are here, they’d definitely want us to have six-day sex retreats in the Eastern Townships.

I think if intelligent life arrived on Earth, they would be pretty subtle about it. They wouldn’t look like the Predator, and they wouldn’t look like ET. I think aliens have come to Earth in the form of Sudoku.

I don’t know why. In fact, it doesn’t really make sense. How and why would beings from outer space take the form of a Japanese logic-based number puzzle? Well, I’m not too sure. Maybe aliens have transformed themselves into Sudoku puzzles to have sex with people’s fingers, fuck if I know. All I know is that several times I’ve been on public transportation where every single person on the bus or metro car is face-deep in one of those fucking number puzzles, and it scares the shit out of me. It’s like something out of a Cronenberg movie, without the orifice penetration.

Maybe it’s just my belief that all global trends can be attributed to a sinister intergalactic plot. Oh, global warming? Aliens are just changing our atmosphere to match their home planet’s. Oh, everyone likes Ikea? Alien mind control spores must be impregnated in the blond birch veneer. Nickelback? Aliens. Ugg boots? Aliens. People abbreviating slang like “totes” and “def”? Aliens, def.

But what can we do about it, you ask? How can we smash the evil cosmic mind control conspiracy like Rowdy Roddy Piper did in the 1988 John Carpenter classic They Live? Well, the truth is, I don’t know. Perhaps we don’t need to fight them. Perhaps they come in peace. Maybe they’re here to see what all the fuss is about, or to see the final episode of the Cheers that they are only now receiving transmissions of in the Alpha Centauri quadrant. Perhaps these aliens are trying to do us a favour, making life more interesting. Perhaps they’ll prove themselves to be lovable characters that sit on your couch all day and make wry comments like Alf or those fat gay guys on the Sarah Silverman Program.

Perhaps I’m an alien and I’ve transformed myself into this newspaper and I’m having sex with your fingers right now.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca