This week: First You Get the Sugar, Heaven and Hell, Agoraphobic Nosebleed!

Plus: Erina Freakita!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F Hey, I’m wondering if anybody else who went to any of the Toronto Bites festival shows got ridiculously SICK? My friend and I went to Jon-Rae and the River and Ninja High School and then immediately got the worst colds of our lives. Nobody else we know is sick, so we’re wondering if there’s some sort of like TORONTO-BASED VIRUS going around? The shows were killer but so were the colds. [BLEEP!]

M I went to see the Lindsey Buckingham concert the other night. It was like 100 minutes trapped in an elevator with a yuppie from hell. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been DJing at Madhatter’s for 10 years and let me assure you, we play all styles of music, from funk to punk, all hits from every genre. If all you want is heavy shit, go to Foufs. If all you want is hip hop, walk up the street and you’ll be able to get JIGGY with it. We cater to people who are open-minded and can appreciate music of all kinds. So much good shit is out there, only ignoramuses listen to one style of music. Come by on Saturday and I’ll show you music. [BLEEP!]

M I’m replying to the whole Madhatter’s debate. First off, Lamb of God is lame, but so are the guys who are expecting something different. I mean, Crescent street is full of over-priced clubs, at least Madhatter’s is the Crescent street pissy dive. Anyway, I have a solution. I recommend that Madhatter’s play the Agoraphobic Nosebleed’s album, Frozen Corpse Stuffed With Dope. It’s way fucking louder than Lamb of God. In fact, it’s like Godzilla taking a shit on Bigfoot. And it has a drum machine so the hip hop kids, they’ll be content too. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, this is—what’s a good alias?—A-Dot, I guess, from First You Get the Sugar. Just rocked a sick show with the Wells and Tim’s Myth down at Petit Campus and during First You Get the Sugar’s set, there were three GORGEOUS HIPPIE CHICKS dancing at our very last song. I couldn’t take my eyes off them, but when we got off stage, they were gone. I don’t know who you were, but you were the girls of my dreams. I know the Rant Line™ doesn’t usually do the whole pushing the gig thing, but please beautiful girls come see First You Get the Sugar again. We don’t usually see gorgeous girls dancing at our anglophone gigs in Montreal. Come see us again. One love, Montreal. Out. [BLEEP!]

M This is to all these people that go to METAL CONCERTS and stand on the floor and think it’s okay to double up and put somebody on your shoulders and block the view for anybody else. And then afterwards, when they’ve got 10 of their friends, threaten to beat the shit out of somebody if they don’t shut up. Fuck you! We paid for our tickets too. And this is especially to that guy at the Heaven and Hell concert who thought because he had 10 friends around that he was gonna be able to act so tough. Buddy, if you were alone, I would have fucking CREAMED you. So you’re not so tough without your friends. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F Y’all really fucked up my name bad, man. It’s not Arena Freakena, it’s Erina Freakita. Jesus. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the SMOKERS out there who take a drag or a few drags, butt it out and then put it in their pockets and then go back into the bar or the bus. I have one thing to say to you: you fucking STINK. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to anybody aged 13–17 walking around thinking they’re the shit. You know who you are, with your little iPods and your cell phones that blast music on the bus that nobody gives a shit to hear, talking loud, causing shit. You’re all gonna end up middle-aged and married, so you might as well give it up now while you’re ahead because you’re just ANNOYING the shit out of everybody. Ha ha, suckers. [BLEEP!]

F Beware of TRASH-TALKING COUNTRY MUSICIANS. This one in particular is toxic to your health. Sure, you’ll be charmed at first, but don’t be fooled, because secretly his heart was replaced by a lump of coal. He will try to steal your youth and use you up for what he can until one day you wake up and realize that all he was is yet just another really bad tear-jerking country song. [BLEEP!]

F To that guy who says that he’s bothered by girls complaining about their weight all the time. Well, you know what? Maybe he doesn’t have an EATING DISORDER or nobody fucked him in the ass when he was a little kid or perhaps somebody didn’t beat him. You know, weight is not just about eating. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Stick it way up your ass. [BLEEP!]

F Oh, hi. This message is to the girl who STOLE A DRESS from my shop on Avenue des Pins on Tuesday. Just to let you know, the dress that you stole is a one-of-a-kind piece, so if I ever see you wearing it around Montreal, you better run away. Karma’s gonna get you, bitch. [BLEEP!]

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