This week: Madhatter’s, Oompa-Loompas, emergency coke!

Plus: In-depth Christina
Aguilera show review!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Bloc Party, oh man, Bloc Party. What a sick, sick show. [BLEEP!]

M So I went tonight to that Metro Party on the orange line and, let me tell you a little something—Long Island trash stay on Long Island. And going to Toronto just makes you trashier. Stay the fuck out of Montreal, all ya goddamn whiteys. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been reading the Rant Line™ for the last 10 years, never called, thought I’d do it this time. For the guy who’s saying Bon Jovi is giving Bon Jovi a bad name, hmmm, you know what, buddy? Where’s your plane? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m a Montreal musician. I’ve been one for about 25 years. I’d just like to say that the serious problem is not just the fact that there’s a Bon Jovi tribute band or that Danny—oh, I’m sorry, I mean Ace “The Animal” Lopez—is a BAD DRUMMER. None of that is in dispute. The real problem is that these fucking promoters and club owners keep booking tribute bands when they could be using that budget to be paying a real band. Not the fact that there’s a sucky Bon Jovi tribute band out there, it’s that people are PAYING to go see them. You wanna support your Montreal music scene? Then stop paying to see those stupid, crappy tribute bands and stop giving them attention in the Mirror! And, by the way, Ace “The Animal” Lopez’s real name is Danny and if you see him on the street, walk up to him and call him “Danny” because he gets all pissed off and says, “Don’t you ever call me that again! You call me Ace!” So, just a little bit of fun for you if you ever run into him on the street. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, it’s me again. I just got this amazing idea. This is an open call to all the people out there who love Montreal musicians. Boycott tribute bands. Boycott tribute bands. Boycott tribute bands. Until I become a rock star and then you can be a tribute band of me. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, man. Arena Freakena giving a shout out to my boys at Off the Hook radio. They got Revolution, Chang, Flow and my man DJ Sluttah Blaze [laughs] I mean DJ Buddah Blaze, doing it way big for 10 years now, 10 years deep, Off the Hook radio. We got it. Keep giving your voice to the people. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F I just have a question about this whole indie thing. Like, what is it with all these people dressing and looking alike and considering themselves indie kids? I hardly think that that is independent. So I’m just looking for an indie kid to explain it, because these mid-calf boots and these tight little American Apparel jeans are just not hitting it. Shame on you, kids. [BLEEP!]

F Yes. This goes out to MISS CHRISTINA AGUILERA. I went to your concert and I just want to say that I found some pros and some cons. Number one pro: you got one of THE fucking awesome voices out there, it’s unbelievable. But then why oh why did you have to go all jazzy from the beginning until practically the end of the concert? And one of my favourite songs, “What a Girl Wants,” was practically unrecognizable. Like, girlfriend, why did you have to do that? Why didn’t you just stick to your original version? But what really got me going was “Dirty.” I was expecting some really RAUNCHY performance but I didn’t get dirty, I got squeeky clean and I was really pissed off. Christina, I understand that you’re married, that’s totally understandable, that’s great, good for you, I’m so happy, but, sweetheart, be a Stepford Wife at home and BE A HO on stage. I mean, I was looking for something really dirt-ay okay? But despite all that, I still love you, Christina. Come back again in Montreal. I’ll watch you—but only if you stick to being a little bit dirty. Love you girl. [BLEEP!]

F Word of advice, if you’re going to a Peer Pressure party, don’t forget the EMERGENCY COKE you’ve been saving since New Year’s at home. Really necessary. God bless the Cobra Snake. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. Can someone tell me what is up with the sweaty, shirtless, stalker-type, little Oompa-Loompa-sized midgets who SWARM decent-looking girls like my friends and myself at Stereo Friday and Saturday nights? Like, telling them to take their shrivelled dicks to another part of the dance floor wasn’t clear enough? No means no. It doesn’t mean grope my ass while I swat away your sweaty little palms. They are like flies on shit, I swear. So take a piece of gum for that rank breath and back up off of us because we’re not having it. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is in reply to the motherfucker dissing Madhatter’s and my white CRACKER-ass motherfucking homies. Listen, bi-atch, if you want a bar with your hip hop and all your bullshit, well, get the motherfuck out of Madhatter’s. We love our hockey, we love our goddamn heavy metal and that’s our place to motherfucking do it. You got beef with Lamb of God, Saiku Koivu, well take it up with them. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M You know what fucking bothers me? I hear girls complaining about their WEIGHT all the time but it’s, like, you’re not doing any exercise! Not eating is not going to solve anything. Get a bicycle, do exercise two hours a day and then you’re going to have the right to complain if you don’t lose any weight. But until then just shut up, shut up. [BLEEP!]

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