So you think you can dance?

Dear Sasha
I’m a 26 year-old girl who, up until now, has been working a steady job in the corporate world. Over the past few years, I’ve been curious and very interested in stripping but have never taken any steps in that direction, as I don’t know who to turn to for info and advice. My one and only love and passion is dancing (with clothes on for now) when I go out. I am always the centre of attention when I dance and people always come up to me to tell me how much they enjoy watching me dance. I’ve done a burlesque show where I’ve taken my top off and I had no problem with that.

How easy is it to find a job? Do I just show up and ask for a tryout? How realistic are my expectations to get a job if I am not the type of girl who will sleep around with the owner to be picked? I don’t do drugs or drink and will under no circumstances do so. Would I be coaxed into doing so? Will I be given a hard time or risk my job if I refuse these things? Is it mandatory in all strip clubs to always take my panties off? Is it mandatory in all strip clubs to do private/lap dances? And am I allowed to be touched? Will I be forced to do out-calls? I just want to dance for the love of dancing and really want no part of the rest of that world (sleeping with the boss, sleeping with the patrons, drinking/doing drugs, prostitution etc.). How realistic are my dreams under those circumstances? Maybe you can even suggest some places that meet my standards.

—L

Dear L,

Great balls of fire where do I even begin with you?

Let’s start with some harsh facts. If you don’t want to take your panties off, do private dances or be touched, then you’d better stick to 9-to-5 whoredom. People appreciate a good stage show, but you aren’t paid well to do this unless your name is Candy Bottoms, you can pull 12 yards of incandescent streamer out of your cunt and you have breast implants that would save your life and five others in a cruise ship disaster. I’ve worked the pole with former provincial team gymnasts, contemporary dance students, ex-ballerinas, professional ballroom dancers, breakdancers and martial artists and not one of them was paid any more than the girls who idled around on stage like they were waiting for a bus.

Furthermore, men who approach women in nightclubs and praise their dancing skills are thinking this: “That girl looks like she thinks she can dance. Maybe if I compliment her moves, she’ll have sex with me.” The same goes for strip clubs, except guys pay you to dance (naked and considerably closer) in the hopes that you will have sex with them.

Speaking of sex, not in my entire career stripping did I ever work in a bar where you had to bang the boss or patrons to get a job or make money; sure, some girls do, but they’re willing sluts with versatile boundaries. Nobody is going to force drinks and drugs down your throat either. Many dancers are super health-conscious and don’t do either while others are locked out of their minds every night because they want to be. Their choice. (And, by the way, an out-call is when you’re a hooker and you do visits to hotels and houses. Why would a strip club want you to do that? They need the clients on the premises drinking their $10 beers and paying hundreds for their VIP areas.)

There is no way you are ever going to find a club that meets your needs. In fact, I dare you, I double dare you, to walk into one with your highfalutin ideas about what kind of girl you are versus the kind of girls who “really” do this work and see what happens.

Say hello to Marta Perez, who will be designing the AverageWalkingCliché.com logo and other bits of business, and Jamie Campbell who will be doing photography for the overall look of the site. Oh, and meet the site designer, Sean Pajot, who tells me that if all goes according to plan, we should have something for you to look at in May.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM