This week: Neil Peart, Buddy Rich, Ace “The Animal” Lopez!

Plus: Brave New Waves
replacement said to suck!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

F Hi. All I have to say is that it’s a very, very sad day when you’re doing the graveyard shift at a hotel, you put on the radio, 93.5, and all you hear since midnight is Jann Arden, Blue Rodeo, Barenaked Ladies. It’s Friday, they did it, they killed Brave New Waves and it’s a sad, sad, sad day. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M The singer from the Bon Jovi cover band Crush sits listening to tapes of himself being the singer in the tribute band to Bon Jovi? I don’t know what’s more pathetic, listening to Bon Jovi, being in a Bon Jovi cover band, or listening to your own Bon Jovi cover band?! That is priceless. And then also to be the drummer in a Bon Jovi band and to have your name be Ace? When you join a Bon Jovi tribute band, do you also have a nickname in the middle? Ace isn’t good enough? You have to be ACE “THE ANIMAL” LOPEZ? I don’t even believe this motherfucker exists. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy that says that Ace “The Animal” Lopez from Crush is the best drummer from Montreal and Canada for the past 20 years. Does he even know good drummers? Does he know Gene Hoglan? Mike Portnoy? Flo Mounier? All those great metal drummers? Get out of your little pop rock shit and find real musicians. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, it’s good for you to defend your buddy, but let me tell you one thing, man: when you say Ace “The Animal” Lopez is the best drummer to come out of Montreal and possibly Canada for two decades?! I got news for you, two fucking words: NEIL PEART. Ever heard of him? Drummer for Rush? Nobody can touch him. The only person who was even possibly in the same league is the late, great BUDDY RICH. The best drummer this country has ever produced is Neil Peart. Always has been, always will be until the day he fucking dies. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F I’m just wondering, is Crush the Bon Jovi tribute band that was looking for a guitarist through a classified that specifically read “NO BAD HAIR?” [BLEEP!]

M How come the crowd at Madhatters is always a bunch of white cracker motherfuckers? All they care about is hockey and heavy metal. If they’re not talking about some goal that Saku Koivu made, it’s how brutal Lamb of God is. [BLEEP!]

M It’s Radomski with an “I.” R – A – D – O – M – S – K – I. “I” not “Y.” Radomski, Radomski, Radomski. Spell it right, guys, he’s really fucking funny. [BLEEP!]

F Peter Radomski is not, I repeat, not an actual midget or LITTLE PERSON, as I believe they’re called. He’s just REALLY SHORT. And he doesn’t host the open mic night at Grumpy’s on Tuesday, you’re talking about the Comedy Nest. He hosts the Pro-am open mic night at the Comedy Nest inside the AMC every Tuesday. Check it out. [BLEEP!]

F It’s not only Club Opera that’s leaving flyers all over the city and lamp posts. It’s all kinds of crappy clubs and DVD launches. That shit is illegal and there’s an army of volunteers out there picking them up and giving them to the police and the NEW CLEANLINESS LAWS will kick those people’s asses. Those things are ridiculous. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Oh my God, all those goddamn squabbling girls. Look at them, bitching at each other about which one is out of fashion and all that kind of crap. What the fuck? Wake up, girls. Listen, by far, you have cornered the market on looking SWEET. Now, if you wanna put some attention on to changing fashion practices in Montreal, look at the goddamn men! Look at them—they walk around like SLOBS. If you girls were smart, you would get together and you would start to issue, like, fashion certificates to guys on the street. You know, you could mark ’em F—you fucking failed, man. I mean, fucking hell, guys, get with the program. Pull up your pants, put on a belt, wear a little bit of cologne, look a little hip. Don’t look like those goddamn 450s, mind you, but look a bit hip. And if there are 20 guys that kinda wear the same costume but they all look kinda sexy and hip, well, then we’ve achieved something in Montreal. Men, pull up your socks. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve been ranting, frantically, since 1997—about 10 years. I think I’ve probably been in the Rant Line™ over 100 times. I’m wondering if there’s anyone else out there who thinks they hold a title of appearances in the Rant Line™? I started with a young outfit known as THE LOUDEST TABLE IN MONTREAL and I just kept going from there. I think I’ve been in three times in a row this month—I’m on a Rant Line™ roll! So I’m looking at the Web site, trying to compile every single rant I’ve made since 1997. I should have been CLIPPING them and keeping them, but I didn’t. And I’d really like to know if there are other people out there who have this affliction of wit and charm. Does what I’m saying make me incredibly witty or incredibly stupid? I’m not quite sure. Holla. [BLEEP!]

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