This week: Peter Radomsky, Pines Pizza, Rich Little!

Plus: Ace “The Animal” Lopez!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hi, this is the singer from Crush, the Bon Jovi tribute out of Montreal. I just read the rant about us and you know what? I absolutely agree with you. In all honesty, I’m not gonna make excuses—I did have a really shitty night. For the past 10 years I’ve been singing on KEY and I know what I’m doing. As a matter of fact, as I listen to the tapes, I think your ear is off, because while there were a couple of FLAT SPOTS, for the most part it was on key. I just had a problem with my voice. That can happen, it’s a human thing. So I appreciate your concern about the band but, basically, why don’t you show me how to do it? I’ll sing against you anytime. Okay? So just relax a little bit, take a pill and pull whatever’s in your ass out. Plain and simple. Get a life. [BLEEP!]

M For the douchebag who was ripping on the drummer of Crush, the Bon Jovi tribute band. Well that, my friend, is ACE “THE ANIMAL” LOPEZ, and he’s been playing the drums for 21 years. He’s the best drummer to come out of Montreal, and possibly Canada, for two decades. I’m not going to sit around and watch you rip on Ace! His band may have been crap that night, but if you saw Ace give a public performance, then you, my friend, were treated to a show. And if you weren’t satisfied and you want your money back, go ask him! He’ll give you your money, all that you paid on drinks and free admission to an upcoming show. Nobody rips on Ace! [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who said that Crush is giving Bon Jovi a BAD NAME. I think that Bon Jovi has been doing a pretty good job of giving Bon Jovi a bad name for the last 20 years. So don’t worry, man. [BLEEP!]

M Can someone tell the Club Opera to stop putting pamphlets on cars at Mont-Royal and St-Laurent? It’s really annoying. Nobody picks them up, they get on the street and make the street look dirty. And also, they’re using high quality paper, which is a waste. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hey people of Montreal, this is the Punk Advisory Committee. Just wanting to let you guys know that I’m a 35-year-old punk rocker and I just got back from another show where, again, nobody was DANCING. I don’t know what is wrong with you white folk but it’s ridiculous. The gay village, they dance, they hip hop, they dance. But when you go to a show up on the Mile-End, they don’t dance. They stand there like skinheads with their arms folded. Montreal is supposed to be a PARTY CITY but the Mile-End doesn’t do anything. They just plant their feet like frickin’ trees. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is for the girl that called in about the FASHION VICTIM GIRLS in Montreal. I was just wondering—when I walk past you in the metro and the mall and I’m on my cell phone talking to your boyfriend, do you go quickly and buy my outfit and cry yourself to sleep? Bye. [BLEEP!]

M How does RICH LITTLE keep getting booked for events and things? Why does the world continue to let comics from the first half of the previous century get up and do their Orson Welles impersonation? Not even just let them, but encourage them, as though it were necessary?! Like I didn’t see it on a variety hour with TIM CONWAY back in reruns when I was three, 30 fucking years ago. Shouldn’t this guy have retired in 1985? Him and Rickles too? Thank God there’s a Rant Line™ to call and say this type of shit to during the day, you know? [BLEEP!]

M What are you going on about the open mics at Grumpy’s on Tuesday? You know, talking aboutthe midget host. Really. Spell the man’s name right. It’s Peter Radomsky. P-E-T-E-R and, well, you know how to spell Radomsky, right? [BLEEP!]

F What the hell? I go away to New York for four days, I come back and Pines Pizza is closed. It’s, like, the best restaurant in all of Mile-End. Now it’s gone and you guys are fucking stupid because you never ate there and now it’s gone. Fuck you. [BLEEP!]

M Hello Rant Line™. I’m just a guy who has a question. What would you say, as a single guy, to a woman who goes around telling people that you have STDs when in fact you have no STDs? I don’t know, couldn’t you count that as attempted aggravated assault? [BLEEP!]

M Can I please ask people to keep public bathrooms drug free? When I go to pee or sometimes POO I don’t want to see anybody sniffing coke or blowing weed smoke in my face. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

M Mother Nature should consider renaming her bastard child, the season of spring, the season of fucking ROTTING DOG SHIT everywhere. And, no, they don’t hibernate like bears and squirrels. They’ve been eating and shitting up a storm all winter. Watch your step, Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, I just wanted to say fuck the groundhog. The best way to tell spring’s around the corner is when the metro starts stinking like weed. Peace. [BLEEP!]

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