Dour turtle power

>> The new revival of the TMNT franchise is too complicated for kids and too dumb for adults

ZEROES IN A HALF-SHELL: Leonardo

by MARK SLUTSKY

The sociological conundrum posed by a movie like TMNT begins right away with its title. It’s not Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles—just the initials. While this certainly fits into our cultural obsession with abbreviation, it also presumes a level of familiarity with the material. This presumption extends to the film itself: the strange thing about the new, computer-animated TMNT, in the context of contemporary remake culture, is that it’s in fact a sequel, or a new chapter in the story, with any and all back-story dispensed of in point form within the first two minutes.

The plot is fairly complicated, as far as these things go: The Ninja Turtles are no longer working as a team, their crime-fighting spirit diluted by infighting, the demands of everyday life and crippling self-esteem issues. Meanwhile, Max Winters (voiced by Patrick Stewart), an immortal ancient warrior posing as a Manhattan business tycoon, enlists Turtle compadres April (Sarah Michelle Gellar, who desperately needs career counselling, or a new agent) and Casey (Chris Evans) to track down a bunch of stone giants which he must resuscitate to prevent a group of monsters from destroying the world.

Will the turtles get their shit together and regroup in time to save the world? Well, it’s a kids’ movie, right? Which brings me to my point: is it? The dark, adult themes (not in the ratings sense of sexuality, but rather in the emphasis on the Turtles going through the shifting priorities and self-doubt that come with maturity), the complicated storyline and the assumption of audience familiarity with the back-story all point to this film being aimed at the Ninja Turtles’ now-grown-up original audience rather than their offspring. I often get a creeping sense watching contemporary “family” films that they’re actually aimed more at parents than kids, but never has it seemed more blatant than here.

And yet, for all that, it still has the same over-digitalized animation style, ADD pacing, cheap humour and simplistic character development associated with the worst kids’ fare. In other words, it’s a film that tries to offer something for everyone, but that ends up pleasing no one, and that brings to mind the old NoMeansNo lyric, “too much is not enough.”

TMNT opens this Friday, March 23

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