This week: Megado, open mics, Bon Jovi, Danko Jones!

Plus: More information on cocks!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Just wanted to give a little RIP to DNA Records. You don’t know what you got till it’s gone. [BLEEP!]

M You know, I love my reggae music. I love what it does for my heart and soul. It’s like SWEET MEDICINE FROM JAH. And I’m impressed with Montreal’s growing roots culture. But I’m not too impressed with the homophobic and sexist bullcrap coming from a mouth or two. If you’ve been at la Plage on a Wednesday night and heard Megado spinning some ignorant and dumbass shit, you know what I’m talking about. So let’s nice-up the dance with positive vibes and tolerance for all. One love. [BLEEP!]

M The dudes from Trigger Effect rock hard. And we all know that Jonas is crap. But I’ll take it upon myself to back up Danko Jones. I saw that bastard open up for Tool, Motörhead and Opeth in Sweden and he can seriously rock out. Sure, some of his lyrics are kind of lame, but he’s a funny motherfucker. And he’s got more balls than that dude from Rubberman. Anyway, don’t downsize him, just keep rockin’ hard, putos. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m calling to tell Montreal that the band Crush is giving BON JOVI a bad name. Me and some friends went to check them out on March 1 at Pub St-Paul and they butchered every song. The singer sang off-key, the guitar player was wired, the bass player looked like a bobble-head on crack and the big fat drummer spent the night twirling his drumsticks and blowing kisses to the crowd. Upon leaving, I witnessed several people demanding their money back. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M For the person who wanted to know if there were any good open mics in the city. There are three really good open mics that I know of. There’s Wednesday night at les Minots, there’s Sunday night at Brutopia and the best one, without question, is at Grumpy’s on Tuesday nights. There’s two really awesome hosts—one of them is actually a MIDGET and he’s really, really funny. That’s your best bet. [BLEEP!]

M For good open mics, check out Melange d’Art at Bar St-Laurent 2, it’s on St-Viateur and St-Laurent. [BLEEP!]

M Check out Hip Hop Karaoke at Lola lounge on March 27. The last one was a blast, a shitload of fun! [BLEEP!]

M I take exception to this Roy Bar rant, albeit I did sniff a bunch of coke in the bathroom there. I wouldn’t say the Roy Bar was such a POSEUR SPOT to be. Who are you? When did you go there? I remember when Reginald Rastitute, the educated, medicated mo’fucker used to run that joint. And by the way, they don’t brew their own beer. Headache in a bottle? You sound like you got a pain in the ass homebrewed. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is Francis from the Cock Worship Temple. Somebody was asking where we were. Well, we’ve been here since 1979. The post office box is 1164, Station H, Montreal, H3G 2N1. The Web address is www.templepriapus.org. We’re not hiding. We don’t have any money, but we’re not hiding. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, good morning, this is Spider here. For the chap who wants to know about the Cock Worship Temple. You can find it on the internet, and the e-mail is highpriest@templepriapus.org. Now, the unpleasant shock is that the boss is a major ugly TROLL who must be OBEYED unconditionally in all matters whatsoever. Be forewarned. Rant on. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This goes out to all the BLACK BEAUTIFUL COCK roaming Montreal. My piece of advice to you out there is do not, do not give it to a white chick if you ain’t ready to go back for that bitch. Because once you give her a drop, once you slip it in and take it out and put it in and grind the pussy with that beautiful cock of your SHEEN, she never gonna let it go, do you understand? So be careful where you dip your shit, motherfuckers. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the individual complaining about all the young ladies in Montreal who look the same. I definitely agree with you that this must end. The solution, of course, would be for everyone to strive for ways to accentuate their authenticity, VANGUARDISM and brilliance via fashion statements that trump everybody else’s. Of course, this would add significantly to the already too high number of people walking around the streets looking like CLOWNS, using accessory and irony in ways that God did not intend. Another antidote, I suppose, would be for fashion to be abolished in favour of a uniform of black pants and white shirts. That way, we could all make claims to aesthetic equality and forget about terms like originality and assimilation. Or you could shut the fuck up and send in a picture to the Mirror so that Montreal can take fashion cues from you, oh god of individual novelty. [BLEEP!]

F Why are girls mean to each other? Why are they so mean that it carries on into womanhood? I’m talking about the trash-talking, the gossip, the hostility, the CUT EYES and the dirty scowls. And why is it that we are usually mean to the girls that we have the most in common with? Why? [BLEEP!]

F Your subliminal shit don’t work on me, bitch. [BLEEP!]

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