This week: TV on the Radio, Quiksilver, 120 Days, Allan!

Plus: Clocks slowing down!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Just wanted to give a little RIP to DNA Records. You don’t know what you got till it’s gone. [BLEEP!]

M So I just went to the TV on the Radio show downtown and it was a great show, but the problem was the venue, the Olympia. First of all, it was SWELTERING during the show, even the band was dying on stage. And after the show, it took a good hour to get our coats. We spent almost as much time getting our coats as we spent watching the band. And they wouldn’t even let us out! We couldn’t get out from the front because there were so many people getting their coats and they wouldn’t let us out the security exits! They would actually physically grab people already halfway out and pull them back in! So I don’t know what the deal is with the Olympia but I just wanted to say that was totally crappy. So, later. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M The Roy Bar. What a joke. The only sniffling going on was in all the coke in the bathroom. The biggest snowboarder wannabe skater poseur bar in the city. The Roy Bar closing, if anything, is like a light shining. Now where are all the Quiksilver goons gonna go and feel like they’re part of the movement? A joke. The Roy Bar, nothing new in years, the same old shit and the worst beer in the city. Headache in a bottle. They should have served aspirin at the bar. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I was wondering if anybody could tell me where are the good open mics in the Montreal scene? Bye bye. [BLEEP!]

M It’s Allan here. I just wanna say thanks to all those who helped me make my 60th birthday my most memorable one. Thanks to all my friends and family for coming out and showing their support. Thanks to Amy T and Dangerous D for their deco. Thanks to Anthony and all the barflies—you know who you are. Special thanks to Little Buck. Thanks to all the performers, rockers and promoters. My biggest and most outrageous thanks goes out to Gail. She’s the light of my life for 38 of these 60 years. And an honourable mention goes out to Jonathan Cummins for sacrificing the tip of his beard. Thanks, dude, I owe you one. [BLEEP!]

F You know, I’m a young mother, which I thought had kind of redeemed me from lots of evil bad thoughts and DIRTY IDEAS. I thought I’d cleansed my soul through motherhood but, no, I looked at the picture in the Mirror of Norway’s 120 Days, and I got WET and disturbed and I can’t stop thinking about those young boys with the milky white skin and the greasy pretty hair and the big lips. Man, they’re making me crazy. Somebody stop that stuff. Somebody stop those pictures of the lovely YOUNG BOYS in the bands. Okay, don’t stop. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, here’s my rant. I read an article in the Mirror a few years back about this COCK WORSHIP TEMPLE. I ranted about this already a few years ago to ask if anyone knows where it is. How come no reply? Why the big secret? Is it like a secret society or something? What’s up? Why no ads? E-mail address? Web site? Why? Escorts advertise, why not you? I thought you loved to worship cocks—so start worshipping already! Come out. The public deserves it. And if you don’t, you’re bullshit. Also, is there a pussy worship temple in the works? Let me know, pussies. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, I know the Rant Line™ isn’t a self-help hotline or suicide hotline, but my friend got doubly penetrated by his high school teacher and his high school teacher’s cousin. I don’t know how to react to this, so if anybody can give me some advice? Like, how do you even get two dicks in your ass at the same time? If anybody can tell me what to say to this kid who had this happen to him, I’d totally appreciate it. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this one goes out to the young Franco dude with the emo haircut and pink shirt who works at the Royal Bank. When I have to make cash payments on my student loan, why when you pull up my file do you feel it necessary to say, “Hmm, Ontario.” Yeah, I did spend some time there but I’m an Amazones Quebecoise now! So do you wanna go? I could kick your candy ass to fucking TIMMINS and you’d still know nothing about my origins! Let’s take it to the parking lot, piss-ant. Nosy, nosy, nosy. [BLEEP!]

F I have a general question and I’d really appreciate input from the ladies in Montreal. Just out of curiosity, when you’re sitting in the metro or taking the bus or walking through a mall and you see 20 other chicks who dress just like you, do you ever feel dumb that you’re a FASHION VICTIM? That you have no originality and you gotta wear those stupid looking boots and those poofy little jackets and talk on your cell phone and all do the same thing? Just a general question. [BLEEP!]

M Has anybody else noticed the CLOCKS are running slow lately? You have to keep resetting them? Because I reset mine a couple of weeks ago and they’re slow again. It’s not only one clock, it’s all the clocks in my house! Something is up. This is environmental, the clock, it’s like the spin of the earth, it’s getting faster or something and the time is not synchronized anymore? I’m not hallucinating. Print this rant and you’ll see there are many other people who’ve noticed it. On my video machine, my TV and my alarm clock. The clocks everywhere, fuck [BLEEP!]

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