Ejaculation and egos

Dear Sasha

My boyfriend is the best guy in the world, but he can’t fuck worth shit. It’s over before I even know what’s happening. I’ve been dealing with it the best I can, but I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t like to talk about it with him, even though he knows how I feel because I don’t want to make him feel bad, and we all know how important these things are to men. I have no intention of leaving him over this, because I know that it’s something that can be fixed, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t like pushing him to go to a doctor cause you know the last thing a guy wants to tell another guy or even a chick is that he can’t last in the sack and I don’t quite have the nerve to suggest a doctor. What should I do? How do I go about talking to him about this? And how do I bring up the subject of a doctor?

—I Will Drive You Nuts Because I Don’t Use Caps or Punctuation

Dear Nuts,

No, readers, this was not her original handle but after spending 20 minutes cleaning up her letter, all the while crabbing to myself, “If you won’t take the time to properly punctuate an inquiry, why would you expect your boyfriend to take the time to properly punctuate your lovemaking?” I took some liberties. Sheesh!

If you intend to stick with this fellow, it’s worth learning how to talk about sexuality, and not just premature ejaculation, because I can guarantee a lack of intimate communication will be the undoing—and an ugly one at that—of your relationship if you don’t. This self-fulfilling atmosphere of resentment, the whole “he knows how I feel but I can’t talk to him about it because you know how guys are” thing? Quit it.

Silence around sexual discontent is not a mandate. It is leftover bullshit from an oppressive philosophy that panders to the belief that it’s better for a man to suffer from premature ejaculation than ego castration. It also supports the ludicrous idea that despite the fact that our hands, eyes, ears and tongues are pried away from all sexual material the minute we become interested in it, we are supposed to be unconstrained experts. You need a licence to drive, practise medicine and cook in a fancy restaurant, but God forbid you can’t fuck properly after having the idea beaten out of you the minute you’re caught with your hands down your pants in Buster Brown. (Yes, I have been speaking to a therapist about it.)

Working on a more satisfying sexual rapport in your relationship is one of the coolest things you can do and there are tools galore to help you out. The very reason sex therapists exist is because of sexual distress—the idea of being embarrassed to go to one is like being embarrassed to go to an ear, nose and throat doctor because you have a cough. As a guide to finding one, look at Cory Silverberg’s advice at http://sexuality.about.com/od/seekingsexualhelp/a/sextherapyFAQ.htm.

And for some immediate hands-on help, just Google what’s called the start-stop technique, a method you can also read about in Dr. Ruth Westheimer’s book Sex for Dummies. Westheimer says the technique was pioneered by urologist James Semans, who himself learned it from a prostitute (the unsung heroes of sex research). You might find this entire book a good starting point for open communication, though I do find her a bit prescriptive around issues like STIs.

Dear Sasha

I appreciate your enthusiasm over the Diva Cup [“Mean, green vagine,” Feb. 8], but I think it’s fair to point out that some women, like myself, for reasons I do not wish to go into, cannot use a menstrual cup. You may have wanted to consider this because the way you talk about it, it sounds like it’s a must for everyone.

—Diva Don’t

Dear Don't,

I apologize. In my haste to “get the information out there” I neglected to mention that some women will have trouble with the Diva Cup—those who suffer from disorders like vulvodynia, vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus, for example. If anyone’s interested in joining a forthright chat about menstrual cups, there’s a good one here: http://community.livejournal.com/menstrual_cups/.

Got any questions for Sasha? E-MAIL: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM