Rael-estate list

by RAF KATIGBAK

MONTREAL—The Raelians, a religious group based on its founder’s extraterrestrial experience, is offering to sell its Quebec compound for $2.95-million. The property, UFOland, includes campgrounds, several lakes, an amphitheatre and a condominium building shaped like a flying saucer, the Globe and Mail reported Friday.

—United Press International, 2007

***Memorandum***

From: Rael aka Your Holiness, aka the Messenger of Elohim, aka Big Poppa

To: Current residents of UFOland

Date: February 22, 2007

My loyal followers,

As some of you may have read in last week’s Globe and Mail article, I have recently decided to put the 275 acres of our beloved utopia UFOland up for sale on the Internet.

This news may come as a shock to many of you reading this memo, especially those of you in the middle of an orgy, but I ask you to please remain calm, do not be afraid. Remember that we Raelians are firm believers in science and science tells us that fear is just our body’s way of preparing us for survival. Oh, and remember what else science tells us: Our bodies were created from cloned DNA by advanced aliens a little over four feet tall, with long dark hair, almond-shaped eyes, olive skin, who exude harmony and humour—NEVER forget that.

Our desire to move to the United States is not just born out of our need for heaping portions, bottomless soda refills at T.G.I. Fridays and more reality television programming. It is merely change, and without change, we could not grow, love, learn and have sexual intercourse with as many different people as humanly possible in a single weekend. So let’s embrace the change as we embrace each other, except without the aid of water-based lubricants.

——

Over the next few weeks, we will most likely have many visits by potential purchasers of UFOland. I cannot stress how important these visits will be. We must learn to accommodate those potential purchasers who are not used to our way of life. Here are some changes to our schedule, effective immediately:

-Tuesday evening cross-burnings will be replaced by the less controversial anti-Christian marshmallow roasts.

-The Raelian priestess nude volleyball tournament by the lake will be suspended indefinitely (with the exception of any visits by Hugh Hefner, Al Goldstein, Ron Jeremy or Larry Flynt)

-If someone asks what a “Cloning Room” is, just say, “It was a typo, it should say ‘Clowning Room,’ it’s where we clown around, silly!” then giggle as you politely drag them away.

-Our weekly telepathy workshops will be changed to... wait, you’re telepathic, you should know already.

-While giving a tour, the question, “What do you do with all these floor mats?” might arise when showing the place we call the orgy room. Consequently, all Raelians should respond, “Just some gymnastics and pilates.” (Do not mumble “... and a little sports-fucking” under your breath, even as a joke.)

-All female visitors should be led to my private Top Knot Salon on the third floor of the main compound. This is the state-of-the-art custom hair-care room where every morning I turn my wild, untamed “hair-don’t” into a world-famous “hair-do.”

-If anyone asks what you like most about the area, mention walks through the acres of gorgeous maple trees and the breathtaking morning view of the private lakes. Again, don’t say “sports-fucking.”

——-

Thanks again for your co-operation in this delicate time of change. We must stay strong and united, just as we did in last week’s Nude Human Pyramid event (once again, congratulations to Carl for making it to the top, we knew you could do it bud!). There is a vicious rumour circulating that we are losing strength here in Quebec. Nothing could be further from the truth. We have plenty of money and our numbers are growing stronger every day. In fact, we have hundreds of pages of documented statistics and figures to back it up—to request written proof, you are invited to send a $100 non-refundable request donation made out to me. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca