Montreal Mirror : Riff-Raff by Raf Katigbak

Instant Mess-age

Tourism Montreal’s Charles Lapointe said that
Montreal’s shoddy image could drive away tourists. Lapointe called the city “ugly” at a business luncheon and urged local politicians to do a better job of keeping up appearances.Mayor Gérald Tremblay fired back on Wednesday and is even threatening to seek Lapointe’s ouster as a head of the non-profit organization that promotes Montreal abroad.
—Canadian Press, Jan. 31

The following is an online Instant Message chat between Charles Lapointe and Gérald Tremblay intercepted by CSIS last weekend.

lapointe69: gerry?

mayornaisse514: yeah, who is this?

lapointe69: it’s me, claude. look, sorry it had to go down like that last week.

mayornaisse514: listen lapointe, you played me so bad, i had to check if there was a quarter in my ass.

lapointe69: :-?

mayornaisse514: i mean, i felt totally back stabbed. like, <schwing> i believe this is yours...

lapointe69: jeez, was that a wayne’s world reference? what was that, like, 10 years ago?

mayornaisse514: yeah, i think so...not!!! lol. listen, better make your apology fast, i’m a busy man, trying to come up with a compromise on that damn parc ave. issue, what do you like more: gino vannelli ave. or chemin sass jordan?

lapointe69: listen, i didn’t IM you to apologize. i just want to help fix this problem. the city’s filthy, tourism is down, and the people are revolting.

mayornaisse514: actually, the whole city is pretty revolting isn’t it? lol.

lapointe69: c’mon gerry, this isn’t a joke. the streets are so full of garbage; it looks like the ganges threw up on ste catherine street. i haven’t seen so much litter and shit since i tripped over my catbox after coming home from a three-week vacation.

mayornaisse514: well what do you suggest? i’ve already spent 66 million dollars on cleanliness, planted 9,000 trees, and installed 700 garbage cans. the rest is up to the citizens, my hands are tied.

lapointe69: tell that to simon anholt, he was here last march remember? he said it looked like kazakhstan.

mayornaisse514: what, that british “place branding” guy? x-( whatevs. i have a place he can brand, it’s called my ass! lol.

lapointe69: no, don’t you see, it might be the best thing to happen to montreal, we can run with it.

mayornaisse514: :-|

lapointe69: helllooo? one word: borat. kazakhstan is super hot right now, all we have to do is take one of those ethnic municipalities—like park ex, or whatever—and call it little kazakhstan. we can contain—er... i mean, “reasonably accommodate”—it with ethnic gates like in chinatown, and have wild yak rides, and some kind of sister-kissing day. we’ll even fly sacha baron cohen down here to cut the ribbon, it’ll be great!

mayornaisse514: :-o sure. sounds great. oh, btw. are you taking crazy pills?!!

lapointe69: fine. let’s stick to this movie idea. imagine this trailer: it’s a post-apocalyptic nightmare, it’s dirty and grimy, iron and metal scraps and garbage strewn everywhere. the surrounding concrete structures are covered in old graffiti and crumbling miserably, smoke is billowing everywhere. out from the smoldering waste and steam, a shadow appears, walking toward the screen. he’s dressed in a worn leather jumpsuit and armed with a crossbow. then you realize, it’s mel gibson! suddenly, swooosh! the title appears: mad max 4: escape from turcot yards.

mayornaisse514: forget gibson, too controversial.

lapointe69: okay so let’s do it the hard way: clean it up. the only way to do that is to get kids involved right? let me ask you something: what do young montrealers love to do most outside?

mayornaisse514: riot?

lapointe69: no, they love parades. and what do they love more than parades? costumes.

mayornaisse514: riiiight. i see, i’ll cancel valentine’s day and proclaim february “montreal garbage month.” kids from all over the city will come downtown and make costumes out of the stuff they find on the street, have a parade, and we can have prizes for best costume. the winner will be the new mascot for cleanliness in montreal. it’ll be like, hey it’s Broken 40oz Girl or Used Condom Man and Skanky Single Mitten Boy.

lapointe69: now you’re thinking! and we can get a famous canadian to come and judge the contest, like corey hart or...

mayornaisse514: ...or that mike myers guy, he’s hilarious, and we can have dana carvey as a special guest. extreme close-up! whooooa!!

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca

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