by JOHNSON
CUMMINS
 Sure, Valentine’s Day is great if you got somebody to spoon with, but what about the lonely single people that flower sellers, sex shops, jewellery makers and Hallmark card writers have been thumbing their noses at for years? What about the people that have way too many pets or collect action figures? The people with acute radiation poisoning from eating exclusively from microwaves, the people who regularly wake up for work on the couch, still fully clothed? You know, software designers and so on.
Truth is, we’ve all been there, so this column is dedicated to those love-starved lobos solos who have eluded Cupid’s cross-eyed aim. Don’t fret, cause ol’ Johnson’s here to help you out with a surefire recipe for el-you-vee. I have learned many things about snaring the fairer sex in my early days as a roving Casanova, so pay close attention.
The one thing ladies love more than a whiff of body spray or a guy with a job is (get ready for it) air guitar! That’s right, friend, air fucking guitar! Ever wonder why there are so many ladies at Joe Satriani and Steve Vai shows? You really think it’s Vai’s neon green jumpsuit, nicely offset with white Reebok trainers and wraparound Vuarnets, that entices the females? Wake up, dude, it’s all the hot studs in the audience, miming along with Vai’s flight-of-the-bumblebee riffs that put the stars in the ladies’ eyes.
The ticket, though, is to not show them your fiery fantasy fretwork right off the bat, but rather, to play it cool. Start things off slowly, with some air keyboards à la Emerson Lake & Palmer (ee-yow!), and then wind it up a little bit with some air drums. Try requesting Phil Collins’ tender ballad “Something in the Air” (chicks love that sappy shit) down at the club, and mention in a trembling voice that it’s your favourite song, while screwing your eyes up in anguish like somebody just stole your last Pizza Pocket. When Phil starts crooning away, smile and nod as she mentions how deep and soulful you are, but five seconds before Phil does that duhduh-duhduh-duhduh-dubba-duh drum break, gently place your fingers on her lips and whisper, “Excuse me, my pet” in her ear, turn around quickly while still holding her adoring gaze and really let ’er rip on the good ol’ air tubs, as if you were holding the very hammers of Thor themselves. Who’s the studmuffin now, huh, bad boy? That’s right, Hasselhoff—you are!
Before you start figuring out how she likes her eggs in the morning (after she witnesses your sexy six-string slingin’), get on top of your game at the Barfly on Friday, Feb. 9, at 9 p.m., with a public round of the popular video games Guitar Hero 1 and 2, projected on a big screen. Entry is pay-whatcha-want, with all proceeds going to the SPCA.
Of course, if she’s not all over you after the first eight bars of “Eruption” just use the failsafe trick and say you know Sam Roberts. Works every time.
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