by JACK OATMON
 The “doldrums” is a term that was coined by sailors back in the early days of transatlantic migration. The word was used to describe the swath of still, muggy air that hugs equatorial ocean routes. Long absences of the wind, which was essential for sailing, are at the root of the doldrums being associated with phases of ennui in our lives.
Montreal in February is certainly not climatically similar to the hot, tropical doldrums that those toothless, scrounging sailors were referring to. However, the short space of inactivity the club scene experiences at the beginning of February may well merit the title “disco doldrums.” With great things on the horizon, including Valentine’s Day, gaggles of great concerts in March and a few exciting all-nighters in the coming weeks, we stare longingly toward things to come, seeking solace in a hearty snifter of grog or a lively backgammon match.
But fear not, for necessity is the mother of invention. I have compiled, for you, a short list of doldrums-dodging delights designed to ease the tension of the crappiest phase of the disco lifecycle. You could:
- Quit/start smoking. I know you can do it. You’ve had problems in the past, but smoking/not smoking is the boldest social fashion statement you can make in Montreal.
- Brush up on trance. Ever wonder what’s going on in the wacky, exciting world of trance? Neither do I, but this week, I called up my neighbours to preemptively apologize, went out and bought two bottles of extra-strength acetaminophen, and got copies of the albums that supposedly define and excite the modern trance scene. Six hours later, I was wailing around my apartment, sporting camo pants and dreads and finding out the real meaning of the synergistic universe. To recreate this wonderful experience with hundreds of your closest friends, check out the Amazone Winter Carnaval at Bain Mathieu this Saturday night/Sunday morning for a live performance by Belgrade, Serbia’s Species, featuring (apparently) renowned DJ Aki, as well as a set by Ott. Guaranteed to, uh, be really high-tempo and in a pool. No kiddin’.
- Mail a letter. That’s right, a real, paper letter. Betcha 50 bucks you haven’t done it in years. You have family members who don’t use e-mail, you know.
- Go see all five Arcade Fire shows. If you can be bothered to go down to l’Oblique (4333 Rivard) every day at noon, you too can be the proud owner of one of 50 reserve tickets for each of the Ukrainian Federation shows, running from Tuesday, Feb. 6 to Saturday, Feb. 10. On Tuesday, you’ll be charged up and ready for a week with Canada’s foremost pop sensation. On Wednesday, you’ll still be charmed and reaffirmed by their quirky, catchy arrangements. On Thursday, you’ll resort to the dead-end project of trying to nail hipsters. On Friday, you’ll be sick of the band, and on Saturday you’ll be sick of indie rock, maybe even life altogether.
- Catch up on school/office work. Or clean your room and do your laundry. The dishes have been piling up in your kitchen for a week, yet you still manage to get a copy of the Mirror first thing every Thursday morning. Your life is a mess, for Pete’s sake.
It’s all true, I swear… jack.oatmon@gmail.com
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