by RAF KATIGBAK
The
debate on “reasonable accommodation”
continues to be the hottest
thing in Quebec since the introduction of the Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap
Supreme at that new West Island Taco Bell.
Recently, following the results of a 196-person poll in the small,
northern Québécois town of Hérouxville, the mayor
and six city councillors published a set of “standards” for would-be
immigrants. The five-page document was drafted to give newcomers a
better idea of their potential life in Hérouxville and to help
ease their transition into a rural Quebec lifestyle.
So, if you are an immigrant and are considering moving there, here are
Riff-Raff’s picks for Top 10 norms Hérouxville would like you to
adhere to:
1) You may not hide your face while you are in public. The only time
you may mask or cover your face is during Halloween.
1a) Unless, of course, you are really ugly. And not just “homely”—we
mean totally heinous, like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every
branch on the way down. Then, by all means, cover up that busted grill.
2) For the longest time, boys and girls have played the same games and
often play together. For example, if you came to my place, we would
send the kids to swim together in the pool; don’t be surprised, this is
normal for us.
2a) However, just to let you know, if you send your kid to the Gendron
family’s pool and her kid starts playing that bite-the-fart-bubble
game, this is not normal to us.
3) You might see men and women skiing together on the same hill at the
same time... and men and women playing hockey together; don’t be
surprised, this is normal for us.
3a) If you have to ask what skiing and hockey are, we’re not really
sure how you got this far in the immigration process.
4) In our families, the boys and girls eat together at the same table.
The children can eat any type of meat, vegetables or fruit.
4a) You also will see cheese curds on top of french fries covered in
gravy; don’t worry, this is normal to us.
5) We consider that a woman can: drive a car, vote, sign cheques,
dance, decide for herself and speak her peace [sic].
5a) But never all of those at the same time.
6) We also consider that killing women in public beatings or burning
them alive are not part of our standards of life.
6b) Duh.
7) At the end of every year, we decorate a tree with balls and tinsel
and some lights. This is normally called “Christmas Decorations” or
also “Christmas Trees.”
7a) After “Christmas Trees” are taken down, people like to wander the
streets in the freezing cold and line up for hours to buy things at a
severely discounted price; this is normally called “Boxing Day.” It is
the most important of all traditions, because you can score a sweet
42-inch plasma screen for a little over a grand.
8) In our old folks’ homes, men and women are treated by responsible
men and women. Please note that there is no law voted democratically
that prohibits a woman treating a man and a man treating a
woman.
8a) And, in case your grandparents ask, there is also no law saying you
have to visit them every week. Especially if they just keep telling the
same stories over and over, and are always going on about how they
think the nurses are stealing their Bengay ointment.
9) In our businesses, men and women work together and serve the
clientele whether they be man or woman. Our businesses are governed by
municipal, provincial and federal laws.
9a) Probably the most important work-related law is “look busy.”
10) You might still see crosses that tell our past. They are an
integrated part of our history and patrimony and should be considered
as such.
10a) Other signs of our religious past to equally consider are words
like “‘ostie,” “tabarnac,” and “criss.” You’ll learn these words pretty
fast.
Finally, the one thing Hérouxville wants immigrants to know most
before they move there is that it’s really, really, really, really,
boring.
Download the original English version of the standards at http://municipalite.herouxville.qc.ca/Standards.pdf.
Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca
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