This week: Pimps, hos, thieves!

Plus: White trash salad!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH

sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Hey, this is not a rant, it’s a tribute. On January 23, Disco D was found dead. All I got to say is that sometimes brilliant people IGNITE way too fast. But if anything, don’t take it as a clue to follow in those footsteps. Take it as a clue to follow in the opposite footsteps. Life is a meaningless venture, therefore it gives you the opportunity to create meaning. Rest in peace, Disco-motherfucking-D, y’all. [BLEEP!]

M I gotta agree with the guy complaining about cell phone mp3 players. At first I thought he was generalizing, you know, about the CRUNK MUSIC or whatever. But ever since I read that rant, I keep noticing this shit. On the metro just right now I came up the escalator hearing nothing but mids and highs, and the guy’s listening to hip hop. Now, I’m a hip hopper and I like the BASS, you know? I like to hear the bass. Not just snares and high-end sound. So this makes me think that not only are these guys showing off, they’re fronting like crazy. Because no self-respecting hip hop fan wants to hear [makes screechy WEEEEEEE sound] and nothing but, you know? So, yeah, put your headphones on, turn your bass up, vibe to it, don’t just act fly to it. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, I’m just really dismayed by everybody ranting about all the BAD THINGS. Why not praise the good people? Like, today, on the corner of St-Laurent and Duluth, I saw a city worker who was digging holes and shit, give a squeegee punk a pair of GLOVES. It was just so sweet, I almost started crying. And I’m just, like, forget the stupid bisexuals—everybody, do a good deed every day. It’s so important. Thank you. Oh, and by the way, if you want to talk about rock ’n’ roll, the Mongrels totally freaking rocked out Saturday. Yow!  [BLEEP!]

M  Yeah, I got a rant. I’m getting sick and tired of these trendy PATATI PATATA INDIE ROCKERS with their tofu burgers and their Birkenstocks, walking around Rachel ruining the good reputation that Rachel has. I’m enjoying a poutine, a perfectly good poutine, that you can buy across the street. The indie rockers, they all make me sick with their white stripes and their spandex. Why are you always wearing spandex? And do you think they have a salad with Ranch dressing, with Thousand Island? No, they’re too cool for regular white trash dressing. Well, screw that, man, because I’m sick of it! And one day, I know I’m just gonna snap! [BLEEP!]

M The blue-shirted fucks are there at the Bell Centre for your protection, you loser. [BLEEP!]

M I just wanted to talk about a couple of things that I had on my mind for a while. People say there is a problem with the PIMPS in Montreal and they are always pointing the fingers at the black guys. Me, I’m no pimp, but I got a couple of friends who have girls who are working. What’s funny to me is that the girls are the ones that want to give the guys the money, you know what I’m sayin’? You go to a strip club, as soon as some black guys come in and they’re dressed like the urban type hip hop, the bitches act crazy! And they all, man, doing their little fashion, changing clothes and going on stage, dancing on some real hardcore hip hop things just to try and impress the guys so that the guys can come talk to them and whatever happens, happens. So it’s not like the black guys are hitting the girls and threatening them to go make the money. The bitches, that’s what they want, you hear what I’m saying? It’s a fuckin’ fashion nowadays. And if the girls are still dumb enough in 2006, so dumb that they’re going to give the guys the money, I mean, who’s not going to take advantage of it? So stop fucking pointing the fingers at the black guys, man. The whole society, the whole world, has always lived on sex and prostitution. It’s like when they say that hip hop is showing women in a degrading way. Fuck y’all, man. How about porno movies? How about sex and all the other things you see on TV and on the movies? Come on, man. You always pointing the finger at the black guys. I’m fucking tired of this bullshit, man. The world we live in is a fucking hypocrite world, that’s the bottom line. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the faux-hawked, coke-dealing, date-raping douchebag who makes his living by stealing other people’s fucking bikes. You better watch yourself, buddy. One of these days, you’re gonna be riding your bike down the street and you’re gonna get CLOTHESLINED and a whole gang of people are gonna beat the fuck out of you, man. [BLEEP!]

M Those guys staring at you in the metro are a bunch of homos looking for love. That’s all they’re doing. They’re looking for a RETURN SIGNAL so they can do you, man. That’s where the homos are hunting, they’re in the metro. Guys stare at girls and homos stare at other guys, looking for love. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the HERMIT complaining about people staring at him on the metro. Go back to your cave, caveman. You live in a big city where there are lots of people. On the metro, there’s not much to look at, so why not look at someone who catches your interest? We were taught by our parents that staring is rude. No, it’s not. Keep staring, Montreal! [BLEEP!]


Note: The next edition of the Rant Line™ will appear on March 1.

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