This week: Miraflores, Oliveira’s, Arcade Fire!

Plus: Asian women and Ubisoft geeks!!

“edited” by AL SOUTH
sub-edited by ROGER ARGENT

M Isn’t it great when you bitch about Arcade Fire being a BIG BAND and doing small shows that you can never get tickets for and then your friend calls you five minutes before the secret show in the basement of the Polish church? So you grab your boots, you grab your pants, you jump in the car, you buy the ticket and you see the Arcade Fire at a little 400-people show. What a nice band. [BLEEP!]
 

F Hey, this is for the girl who was asking if there are cities in Peru that have better radio stations than we do in Montreal . The answer is YES. I’m from Montreal and I’ve been to Peru three times and the music there is much better. You should go check it out. Miraflores, Lima —that’s the place to be. [BLEEP!]
 

M Yes, the radio stations in some cities in Peru are better than here. And the streets in Peru are way cleaner too. [BLEEP!]
 

M Yeah, hi, I’d just like to add a little something to the guy who just found out that French people on TV and the radio are actually FUNNY. In truth, that’s not a really big discovery. French people are much funnier than anglophones. They have a sense of humour that’s much more biting and direct. Take radio, for example. They definitely kick ass over CHOM, where the DJs just laugh like morons until who knows when over their own lame jokes. Têtes à claques is just one example of French humour—I hope you’ll discover many more. [BLEEP!]
 

M Hello Rant Line™. I just figured out how to save the Montreal music scene. First, get every musician who ever felt he was being held back by some fuck who was monopolizing the venue to buy the monopolizer’s CD and post it on the Internet for free. They don’t have the cash to sue you and never will if you give away their stuff for free. Second, never, ever release a CD yourself. That way you’ll be free from delusions of grandeur while basking in the environmental kudos of saving all that plastic and petroleum. The result: everyone will stop holding on to their imaginary place in the lineup to the bank because there’s no more money at the end! All the fakes, freaks, and bluster-fucks will fall out of the game and the tune-smiths and virtuosos will stay to teach the occasional genius to knock us all on our ass. I can’t wait. I’m starting today. [BLEEP!]
 

M I don’t know what’s going on but I went to see the Habs tonight and there are all these blue-shirted motherfuckers. As soon as you walk in the door, they look you in the eye and they wave you to the side and they wanna pat you down—it’s like the airport. I don’t get it. And you get to the top of the escalators and these cats want to pat you down again! They made my friend open his LIP BALM because the beeper went off, the little fucking wavey wandy beeper action went off—boo boop boop boo. Pulled it out, could you open that, sir? No. No, no, no. We’re going to see the Habs. Thank you very much. Kiss my ass, you blue-shirted fucks. [BLEEP!]
 

M To all my fellow barflies, we must band together this summer and beat the living piss out of all these BOSTON fuckheads who come up here and ruin our nights out by puking all over bar floors and trying to hit on our women while SLOBBERING. [BLEEP!]
 

F Okay, Rant Line™, are you in on the INSIDIOUS CONSPIRACY to keep queers down? I’m trying to tell people where to find ladies. It’s not Aux Vivres!! It’s Oliveira’s. Wednesday. 213 Rachel East. There are always so many lesbians there. People need to know that. [BLEEP!]
 

M For the woman who thinks there are lesbian comedy shows on Wednesday at Aux Vivres, I work there and I can say for a fact it’s not the case. There’s lots of great vegan food and lots of groovy customers but there’s definitely no shows and no chicks teaching chicks how to tie ties, as she puts it. That’s it. [BLEEP!]
 

F Hey, for any girls who are looking for a really awesome bar with other awesome girls in it, you should really go check out the Metro Lounge on Friday nights for Remix Hers. It’s like the only lesbian night in all of Montreal and last night they had a fetish night and it was ridiculous, off the hook. There were mad girls in crazy costumes. It was really hot. A good spot with cool girls! [BLEEP!]
 

M To the girl who doesn’t like it when guys scream out I’D HIT THAT. Well listen, I’m a gay guy, which basically makes me the same thing as a girl, and when I hear I’D HIT THAT coming towards my direction, I’m down on ALL FOURS like a motherfucker. [BLEEP!]
 

F Hi. This one goes out to the white guy with tattoos that’s searching for a FUNKY ASIAN girl. To be honest, if you don’t find us, it’s because you’re not hanging or searching at the right places. And secondly, you white guys just want to meet us to have a TIGHT VAGINA EXPERIENCE. Most of you white guys with tattoos just fuck us over. And what are you, by the way? A Ubisoft geek? [BLEEP!]

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