by RAF KATIGBAK

Now that the usually anticlimactic memories of New Year’s have been flushed from our minds like a next-day porcelain bowl of cheap bubbly, hors-d’oeuvres and little chunky mystery bits (eewww), and as we look ahead to a year of insipid James Bond references (okay, we get it: 2007, double-o-seven), let me just say one thing: welcome to the future!

Forgive me if I sound bitter, but I mean that in the most excited possible way. In fact, during a recent public youth survey (i.e. talking shit with drunk strangers at a bar) someone asked me for my predictions for 2007. So here they are, broken down for you in easily digestible morsels:

Fashion: The urban streetwear inclination toward baggy tops and the indie rock love of tight jeans will polarize to extremes, and then suddenly collide leaving everyone under 28 looking like brightly coloured hot air balloons, floating down Ste-Catherine, bouncing off each other.

Entertainment: Due to the outcry over the exorbitant price of the PS3 console, Sony announces the release of PS4 to appease the public. PS4 turns out not to be a video game console at all, in fact, but the fourth sequel in the Perfect Strangers film franchise starring Mark Linn-Baker as the highly-strung Chicagoan and Bronson Pinchot as Balki Bartokomous, his naive but good-natured cousin from the island of Mypos. The public outcry is quashed.

Online entertainment: YouTube will fail to become the future of media broadcasting everyone thought it would be. Instead, the more narcissistic generation will develop Metube, where you can watch b-list actors reenact the most embarrassing moments of your life. “I thought Emmanuel Lewis did an amazing job of capturing my shame of letting a huge one rip during my public speaking final presentation in high school.”

Celebrities: The celebrity hybrid naming trend that began with Beniffer, Brangelina and TomKat will become so popular it is actually made law. Subsequently all pairs historical and current must have their names contracted. Shakespeare’s classic romance between “two star-crossed lovers” from rival families will now be rewritten under the title “RomJu,” Bert and Ernie will now live their life in the open as “Bernie,” Ebony and Ivory will finally live together in perfect harmony as “Ebvory,” and M&Ms will now simply be called M.

Food: The world will find out that organic food is actually bad for you and that trans-fat is actually good. Stocks in Frito-Lay will sky-rocket and scientists will also deem the side effects of Olestra (i.e. cramps and anal leakage) to be “not so bad.”

City politics: Parc Avenue will not be renamed Robert-Bourassa. Rather, city councillors will appease everyone by placing an LED street sign that changes to a different rich or famous Quebecer voted for online or via cellular text message. To help defer costs, the sign will also alternate with what’s currently on sale at Jean Coutu: blink Annette duMaurier Ave. blink Toothbrushes $2.99 blink Elvis Gratton Ave. blink Depends Undergarments $7.99 blink...

Health: The smoking ban will finally be lifted after Health Canada discovers the adverse effects that really bad Montrealer B.O. has on the olfactory system.

Drugs: Authorities warn of the dangers of a popular drug—once thought to be a cure for a hangover—with side effects like a disconnection of the mind from the body, heart palpitations, bloatedness and feelings of euphoria and confusion. It’s called dim sum, and while the effects wear off after 30 minutes, you’re also suddenly hungry again. Which sucks.

Trends: The steady postmodern twist on the retro trend will continue, and accelerate at a frightening pace. This year, 90s nights will be a thing of the past and it’ll be all about the naughty-naughts. That’s right: the 2000s will be hot in 2007. Sample conversation that actually happened:

Random Bro: Oh my god bro, the DJs playing Oukast’s “Hey Ya!” Remember that bro?

Me: Of course I did, that was like, a couple of years ago.

Random Bro: I know! Blast from the past eh bro!?

Me: Get away from me.

Weather: The weather will become freakishly warm and it will feel like spring in January. Oh shit, wait a second...

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca

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