News

But it worked so well in Iraq
“You can’t introduce democracy by blowing up villages and creating disasters.” — Échec à la guerre spokesperson Martine Eloy, on the war in Afghanistan

To the betterment of both, we’re sure
“Whores and artists have always worked closely together.” — Claire Thiboutot, director of sex workers’ rights group Stella, whose offices are in the artist-heavy Grover Factory

Smokin’ mad
“I’ve heard of about 25 closures already and about 500 lost jobs—the results are devastating” — Peter Sergakis, president of the Union of Bar Owners of Quebec (UTBQ) on the effects of the smoking ban in drinking establishments.

Smokin’ mellow
“Kids are smoking pot if they smoke anything at all.” — Barfly owner Anthony, on why the smoking ban isn’t the end of the world

Seeds of dissent
“Canadians should hear what I have to say before I get taken away or surrendered by my own country to the Nazified, corrupt, rogue government of the United States.” — Marc Emery, Canada’s “Prince of Pot,” wanted in the U.S. for selling marijuana seeds

Slogans from Hugo
“It’s your dream, it’s your hope, it’s your job to be free and equal.” — Talking Hugo Chavez doll found at the World Social Forum in Caracas, Venezuela

Even the Montreal Wolf bands?
“The bottom line is that Canadian wolves have to go.” — Idaho Anti-Wolf Coalition leader Ron Gillet, on Canadian wolves introduced into the U.S.

But at least the facial hair is well-maintained
“The Plateau and Mile-End are by far the worst in terms of concentration of messy, disorderly and overloaded recycling containers.” — Recycling truck driver Frank Mewes

What did Dad say?
“When I was 13, my mother took me aside and said, ‘You know, you don’t need a man. All you have to do is take this vibrator and put it on your clitoris and you’ll see.’” — Sex educator Miss Natasha

Activism motivation explained!
“Activism is my antidote to depression and pain, my way of fighting the isolation of disability. Besides, how else am I gonna get laid?” — Transsexual writer/activist Patrick Califia

And who trusts whitey, really?
“It’s all white folks in the city council.” — Jamaica Association of Montreal president Noel Alexander, on the lack of diversity among elected reps

Or the cops, for that matter?
“If you’re young or black in a metro, you’re at risk.” — Anti-racism activist Fo Niemi, on police profiling

Why would that be?
“Germans are kind of touchy when it comes to nationalism.” — A Canadian ex-pat living in Berlin, during the World Cup

Smile!
“I can see him peeking at me and then I see a flash above me, and I’m like, ‘What the fuck? Did he just take a picture of me?’” — Concordia student Matt, meeting perverts in the Hall Building’s 10th floor bathroom

Just like the Mirror!
“The covers were realistic, glamorous and sleazy all at once. What more could you want?” — McGill prof Will Straw, on his collection of ’50s crime mags

A lot of them are fat too
“Americans are pretty fucking ignorant. What we don’t know is pretty huge. You could never accuse Americans of learning from history or learning from past mistakes. You’re talking about a country that went to war in Vietnam with the theory that we had to bomb North Vietnam in order to keep the hordes of Red China from coming, right? Not knowing that Vietnam and China had fought wars for 2,000 years and would fight one four years after the war was over, in ’79. What we don’t know is just breathtaking in my country.” — Investigative journalist Seymour Hersh

Oh, those sneaky Conservatives!
“It’s a roundabout way to increase penalties without opening up the debate on drugs.” — Pot advocate Marc-Boris St-Maurice, on the feds’ new drug-driving legislation

Two solitudes, dildo version
“Most of the French women I meet already have sex toys, whereas the English women have never even held one in their hand.” — Passion consultant Pascale Dochler

And really gross teeth
“The people who use crystal meth often want more love, more intimacy, more pleasure.” — New York City shrink and meth expert Jean Malpas

Oh baby
“[It’s] scientifically based on sound scientific principles of female psychology and biology as to what traits women are sexually responsive to autonomously.” — An unnamed “executive live in-field dating coach” on his pick-up techniques

Choppy logic
“Have you heard of Honda Civic? It’s used in car bombings in Iraq.” — Bell director of business development Michel Legault, justifying his company’s helicopter being used to kill people in Iraq

Keep God away from children!
“We should feel a frisson when we hear about a Catholic child or a Muslim child or a Protestant child. A child has no more choice in that than being a Marxist child or a Keynesian child or a monetarist child.” — Biologist and atheism activist Richard Dawkins

Death not really a cure
“According to a recent Health Canada report, 50 per cent of Grade 9 students think there’s a cure for AIDS,” — Christina Foisy of the Sense Project

John Daly, role model!
“[PGA tour director] Tim Finchem said, ‘This is almost unbecoming of a professional.’ I said, ‘My life is unbecoming of a professional, Tim.’” — Golf pro John Daly, discussing his behaviour as described in his memoir

Blood sporting
“I’m looking forward to beating some girls up—in a good-natured kind of way.” — Montreal Roller Derby league star Bethany “Bootsy Maulins” Fisher

Actually, we’re experts on all four
“I had never spoken about Barbie before, or drag, or threesomes, or prostitutes.” — Mark Tewksbury, on his new book Inside Out: Straight Talk From a Gay Jock

The Republicans are SO gay!
“I think the Foley scandal says a lot about the closet. Everyone knew Foley was gay—he was outed in the Advocate a decade ago. Everyone had to collaborate with him to keep this secret.” — Mark Jordan, author of Blessing Same-Sex Unions

Killer queen
“They can launch missiles halfway around the world with pinpoint accuracy but apparently can’t come up with a synthetic bearskin material for their hats. The Royal Family have blood on their hands.” — PETA’s Anita Singh on the British Ministry of Defence decision to continue slaughtering Canadian black bears for ceremonial hats for the Queen’s Royal Guard

Veni vidi sploochi
“You’ve really got to develop a client base that feels like they know you personally. Otherwise, they call, they talk, they cum and hang up. You can’t really make any money if you can’t keep them on the line. Once they cum, it’s always over.” — Former phone sex operator Melissa Cromwell

Adios Trench
“I only hope that in those last few moments of terror just before your life was snuffed out, as the police arrived and began shooting back at you, as you hid and huddled behind the only shelter you could find, maybe the realization that life was no video game snuck into your self-absorbed little mind. Congratulations, you finally became the bully you so despised.” — Mugwug, posting on Vampirefreaks.com shortly after Kimveer Gill’s rampage at Dawson

Music

That confirms some suspicions…
“It’s all about the pussy. Pussy rules. Pussy rules if you love women, it rules if you hate women. It rules, it’s just constantly in the mind of everyone.” — Joan Jett

Number two is WMD
“Sex is the number-one political weapon. It’s the thing that makes you human and contributes to your wild side, or your downfall.” — Peaches

Especially in elevators and bank lobbies
“The pan flute is the only instrument with cosmic divine values, and its sounds have become gigantic prayers releasing a colossal force, which helps us understand the divine forces.” — Pan-flute superstar Maestro Zamfir

Zoot alors! (“ZUT” ALORS?) WHAT, FRENCH POMPOUS?
“I find it hard to write French lyrics that sound good and that are poetic enough to read without being pompous. It can easily become pretentious—it’s a disease of the French language.” — Montreal musician Xavier Caféïn

As should sandals with beige socks
“I’m 47. If I go out, I look like your uncle dancing at a wedding. That’s wrong. It should be illegal.” — Brian Travers of UB40

In the Bible Belt, they’d blink
“I don’t really enjoy wearing women’s clothing. Basically, what I’m doing is gender blackface, and nobody blinks. It’s very troubling.” — Supersystem’s Justin “Destroyer” Moyer on his side-project alter ego, Edie Sedgwick

Lucifer’s lawn sale
“Nothing really too evil. I think I actually just cleaned out my garage.” — Drummer Dave Lombardo on what he did on June 6, 2006 (06/06/06), the unofficial Slayer Appreciation Day

No, not that kind of scatting
“Have you ever heard her scatting? She’s amazing!” — CINQ jazz radio host Moz Taylor, on Celine Dion

As bad as stingrays?
“They sort of reel back on their super-strong tails and kick you with their big legs, right in the chest. They’re nasty pieces of work, kangaroos.” — Julian Hamilton of Australian band the Presets

How many hit points does the Pope have?
“D&D magic is belief for non-believers, it’s a codification of the supernatural that can be applied to real life. There’s a lot of parallels between D&D magic and Catholicism.” — Owen Pallett of Final Fantasy

Acid yea, heroin nay
“I became a heroin addict for a while. When I was young, they said if you took acid, you would kill yourself. I don’t know anybody who ever killed themselves on acid. So I just thought the dangers of heroin were also part of the lie. From my experience, heroin will turn into a real problem.” — Blue Cheer’s Dickie Peterson

No silly love songs
“A lot of poor people are getting killed because of arrogant world leaders. So for me to sing a love song would be a sheer waste of time, because I see a lot of suffering, I can hear people screaming out there—people are being tortured right now while we are celebrating here. This is no time to celebrate. We need to recognize this situation and address it because we’re all going to die.” — Zimbabwe musician Thomas Mapfumo

Precociously loquacious
“I was walking at four months, and at six months, my grandmama told me, I said my first words, which were ‘Fuck you.’ Now, she thought there was no way a baby could be saying words like this, but was still amazed that I was talking at all.” — Blowfly

George Walker Bush explained
“Texas is fast becoming the new psychedelic capital of the U.S.” — Alex Maas of Austin, Texas band Black Angels

Not Santa, surely!?
“In this society, most people are presented with these two ideas, Santa Claus and Jesus Christ. Both of whom live up there—Santa in the North Pole somewhere, Jesus up in the sky—and they both watch you to make sure that you’re being good, and you’re either rewarded or punished depending on whether you’re good or bad. When you hit five or six, somewhere in that age, you have to give one of them up. One of them is not real, and you have to give him up—and you have one guess who.” — Michael Ivins of the Flaming Lips

Harper’s sin-dex
“I may wear a wedding dress again this time—and Mr. Harper can kiss my trannie ass!” — Pop disco diva Trannie Tronic

Smackdown
“I must say that I don’t agree with full legalization of heroin, but I think it should definitely be decriminalized—but ‘decriminalize’ just didn’t sound that good when you sing it.” — Vulgaires machins singer/guitarist Guillaume Beauregard on their controversial song “Légaliser l’héroïne”

Urkel could take ’em both
“Man, I think Emmanuel Lewis would tear Gary Coleman’s ass to pieces. He knows tae kwon do. Or judo, or one of those martial arts. That boy is trained. He’s a black belt in somethin’. You know, he’d have to kick pretty high to get somebody, though.” — Paris the Black Fu of Detroit Grand Pubahs

Dimebag’s last words
“We used to have a code word, which was ‘Van Halen,’ and that just meant to let it all hang out and have a really good time, because we both thought Van Halen were just one of the most kick-ass bands ever. He was warming up on his guitar before our show like he always did, and putting chapstick on his lips like he always did before a show. I just went up to him and said, ‘Van Halen,’ and he looked over at me and said, ‘Van fucking Halen,’ and we high-fived each other. I didn’t know it, but a minute and a half later, I would never hear from him again.” — Vinnie Paul of Pantera and Damageplan remembers his brother, the late Dimebag Darrell

Film

There are right places?
“I remember people saying, ‘Are you gonna gain weight? Are you gonna gain weight?’ The thing is, though, if I gained weight, who’s to say it would have gone to all the right places.” — Gretchen Mol on shaping up to play The Notorious Bettie Page

Shave for success
“I hung out with some transvestites in London before we started shooting, and they taught me things. Like when it comes to walking in heels, all it takes is confidence. It also helps to learn when you’re drunk too. But I guess the most important tip they gave me was shave, don’t wax.” — Cillian Murphy on preparing for his cross-dressing role in Breakfast on Pluto

Redefining final cut
“I’m really surprised how uncomfortable a lot of men have been while watching this. I mean, you can turn on the TV on just about any given night and see a Law and Order show in which a naked woman ends up in a dumpster. Now the men can have a turn.” — Hard Candy star Ellen Page on the movie’s castration scene

NFB’s popularity explained
“The NFB remains committed to auteur-driven, social-issue filmmaking.” — NFB senior publicist Karen Marginson

Creeping paranoia
“I think Philip K. Dick really set the stage for what we’re seeing now. Every week we hear about some new, hidden information from our government. When you think about their intrusion into our information, we’re just data in their data banks. It’s a creepy time.” — Richard Linklater on his adaptation of the prescient A Scanner Darkly

Well, there’d be a lot of fighting and drinking
“It’s not like you’d go up to a white person and ask, ‘What was Scottish history like in 400 B.C.?’” — Local filmmaker Omar Majeed on questions he’s asked about cultures he knows nothing about

NFB’s popularity explained, part two
“At one point, I was at the NFB and Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee’s names came up and someone asked, ‘Who are they?’” — Accès Asie organizer Janet Lumb

Trust us, that ALWAYS ends in tears
“Here’s a guy trying to suck his own dick. In voiceover, you hear him saying, ‘I want to be alone in my orgasm.’ It’s like he’s trying to be truly self-sufficient. It ends in tears. This is an example of sex being used as a metaphor to introduce a character and his emotional goal.” — John Cameron Mitchell on the explicit sex scenes in Shortbus

Plus there would be no gay stuff
“The publishers read it and said there are too many hot wires in there. The Church of Scientology people are very prone to sue. But I said if you cut the stuff out about John Travolta and Tommy Cruise and Karen Black, you’ve cut the heart out of the book.” — Kenneth Anger on his long-awaited and still unpublished Hollywood Babylon III

God knows, most scripts aren’t bad enough
“My sense is that it’s detrimental to the process, because more and more scripts are being written to accommodate the process.” — Concordia media studies prof Matthew Soar, on product placement in movies

Arts, comedy & more

Or maybe even four inches
“I hang out with gay guys a lot, I used to live with a gay couple, I LOVE partying with my gay friends. I’m about as gay as you can get, except that I don’t do guys. But that’s not good enough for some people, they won’t be satisfied until I say I’m gay or suck their cock—which is why I always say I’m only about six inches from being gay.” — Phil Nichol on his one-man show, “Nearly Gay”

Yak yak yak
“I hate most mimes because they’re usually pretentious and boring and not funny.” — Billy the Mime

But probably with more fighting
“It looked like a future rave party.” — Japanese video game developer Tetsuya Mizuguchi, on seeing his first hockey game in Montreal

Yes Mistress, if you say so
“I find, in Montreal and Quebec, it’s more about BDSM, but if you go to the States or London, which is a city very big into fetish, it’s more about glamour.” — Latex fashion model Bianca Beauchamp

Foot fright
“I saw them, but I didn’t really. I ran away. I was scared because they didn’t really look human.” — Choreographer Wen Wei Wang, describing the first time he saw his grandmother’s feet, which were bound at the age of four

They don’t have streaming porn?!
“Some of the first-year CEGEP students are petrified of me sometimes. You know, some of them have never seen a live nude lady before.” — Nude art model Melissa Massé

Girl power
“It has nothing to do whatsoever about pleasing a man and everything to do with a woman having empowerment. When the girls are practicing in the mirror they’re going inside their souls trying to bring out this… this woman, that’s in there, that we all have. And once they do, they’re hooked. It spices up their sex lives.” — Erotic dance instructor Heather Downe

But cokeheads are so fascinating!
“There is a drug chapter, but that’s just about how annoying it is to entertain people on drugs. I mean, when they’re on drugs, or fucked up somehow, that’s pretty hard on a hostess.” — Amy Sedaris on her book I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

How about, “I was lick- ing jelly off of my boyfriend’s penis and all of a sudden I’m thinking, ‘Oh my god, I’m turning into my mother!’”?
“I’ve acquired no catch phrases or anything audiences tend to demand to satiate their need for the familiar. Although I’m considering, ‘Hey! That’s my tomato!’” — Comedian Sarah Silverman

Crossing the divide, one belly at a time
“An Arab can come to the show and realize that his culture can resonate in the West, and a Westerner can come to the show and say, hey, there’s more to Arabs than terrorism.” — Bellydance Superstars founder Miles Copeland

You’re not the only one who’s scared
“I will show you my bats! A girl going out with a nose! I don’t really think about what I am drawing and painting! I am using coloured tape and the technique of collage is my favourite! I also did a kind of a bearded sexual predator and I was afraid right after doing it!” — Bobo Boutin of les Georges Leningrad on the band’s art exhibit

Well.... except for Asia, electric art, Jewish films, musique actuelle, gay partying, first peoples, bikes, electronic music and beer
“There wasn’t a festival in May, so we thought the timing was good.” — Eric Amber, on starting the Montreal Sketch Comedy Festival

Artist wisdom
“What the fuck do I do? I just sit and doodle for consumer goods. It’s an enjoyable thing, for me and for other people, but at the end of the day, really, what the hell is it all about? That’s the grand mystery, the big what.” — Toronto artist Derrick Hodgson

Must be the fish
“PoPPooooo!!!! Perrapome kemuni po!!! Hanakengo take you into a somewere sometime!!!! That PIYO PIYO PIyoYO!!!! You see, Hanakengo enjoy living too much!!” — Japanese Fringe performers Hanakengo