F This one goes out to all the ZOMBIE G’S out there. You know who I’m talking about. You guys who walk with a LIMP. All you hip hoppers. Could you do us all a favour? If you’re gonna walk like you’re crippled, could you try to walk a little bit faster? Otherwise I will be liable to shoot you in the back of the head. And I guess since I’m on the subject, the other thing is you guys wearing fur jackets. You guys look gay, slow and crippled. If this is what hip hop has come to, that’s crumped up, yo. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who complained that it’s OUTY 5000 and not AUDI 5000. And that people should get their minds right. Would you have said that to EPMD when they dropped it on their first records? A-U-D-I, like the car? Get your own mind right! Why would you open up your mouth when you don’t know what you are talking about? If you’re the one that’s behind, man, you’re only exposing your own ignorance. The hip hop nation has been coining different words for years. It’s called history, it’s called enterprising vernacular. Know your shit. I’m Audi 5000—actually, I prefer the Audi S8. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up, Rant Line™? This is just to make a little statement or a warning. I was at the METAL CHRISTMAS PARTY at Club Soda. We metalheads are used to seeing some punks, rockers, rockabillies and gothics at our shows, but that night I saw a fucking Emo! Listen, emos, please stay away from metal, you little cunts! Because with your pathetic and ugly haircuts, plus your fucking make-up, you look like drag queens. I mean, at least the black metalers look evil! [BLEEP!]

F This is to all my favourite musicians who kill themselves. Example, Jeff Buckley, drowned in the Mississippi River, 1998. Example, Elliot Smith, stabbed himself twice in the stomach, 2003. I’m afraid to start liking musicians, because anybody who I’m drawn to will have SUICIDAL TENDENCIES and end up killing themselves and I just can’t take that emotional trauma anymore. You know, like, I develop pretty intense relationships with these singer-songwriters in my own mind and then they just kill themselves. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s over. I’m gonna start listening to Britney Spears now. Thank you for your time. [BLEEP!]

M You know what? You guys fucking suck, man. You got a friggin’ resident DJ that used to DJ at one of your hot spots, Blizzarts, he gets his turntables, mixers, records, headphones, everything, ripped off, leaves a rant about how he’s opened a JUICE BAR where he sells local DJ mixed tapes and promotes local music and the Rant Line™ has, what, six rants about somebody slapping a girl’s ass and all the retorts that go with it on—what the fuck does that have to do with the music scene? You guys suck. [Ed’s note: Rant in question was never received, must have been a technical problem]. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, for the guy who called defending the Supernova album. It is crappy, so NERDY Johnson Cummins is actually not all wrong. But it’s really nice that Lukas’s boyfriend called in to defend his honour. I think we need more knights in shining armour like that. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, I don’t like Jonathan Cummins either, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s not like he’s just some music critic, sitting back in his chair. He’s already done the things that your buddy’s gonna get to do, with a couple of successful bands. And you’ve already failed your friend by not preventing him from getting on that Supernova show with the fucking Tommy Lee band in the first place. [BLEEP!]

M Man, it’s really depressing and sad that you’re dissing Johnson Cummins on his APPEARANCE and superficial traits. Personally, I’ve never really had a real long conversation with Johnson Cummins, but I think that he represents Montreal pretty well and he’s LOOKED LIKE THAT for a LONG TIME, at least since I saw the Doughboys in 1990. Dissing someone on their physical traits is almost like racism and stereotyping, dude. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who shat all over Cummins for his excellent review of Rock Star Supernova. Jonathan might look like a ZZ TOP MEMBER but it’s better than looking like A Simple Plan guy, you prick. If you knew who Jonathan was, you would know he rocks like a REAL WARRIOR on the stage in a band called Bionic, which you will never know about because you’re a fan of corporate crap. In fact, he rocks 1,000 times more than your faux-hawked sissy of a friend. He’s been around for 25 years as a guitar player, writer, composer, DJ and as the voice of the underground rock scene through the Mirror. So when you say he listens to crap, you badmouth all the struggling artists in this town! Just for this, you are worth 1,000 fuck you’s. Since I saw your attack, not only do I ignore the CD of Supernova rock-shit, I rub my butt crack and balls with it! I mean, so what if Lukas what’s-his-name gets laid every night, does that make him a rocker? I don’t think you get it, dude. Seriously, when Supernova come to play in Montreal, tell these sell-outs to come to l’Escogriffe looking for me or Johnson! I’ve always fantasized about kicking Tommy Lee in the teeth and Johnson, I know he’s got something against Navarro. I could finish with your friend as the SAUCY CHERRY on top of those dead rockers, man. So fuck you but have a nice day. [BLEEP!]

F Hey people, I tell you something. Not all Asians are Chinese. Please stop saying NI HAO to me. I am Japanese. This is so annoying. I’m sick of this. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum