Dear Sasha, I don’t know if Sticky Stuck got back to you regarding your meandering response to his question about being shy about hooking up for casual sex [“Cake is half-baked,” Nov. 9], but I have a few comments of my own. You use the term “depersonalize” when referring to Cake’s approach, but it seems to me they’re more about female sexual empowerment—something that is really personal, actually. I think the idea of women sharing their sexual experiences is awesome. What’s the big deal if someone profits off it? Who’s getting hurt? —Eat Me

Dear Eat Me,
From thefreedictionary.com: “Depersonalize: to deprive of individual character or a sense of personal identity: a large corporation that depersonalizes its employees. 2. To render impersonal.”

A company like Cake plainly benefits from this strategy and though they accomplish this by (cunningly) encouraging women to be themselves, they do so with the principal objective of enriching the identity and coffers of their business. Even information on the site that appears to be guilelessly helpful ends up being to the enterprise’s advantage. (And the Magic Wand is $13 U.S. more than it is on Betty Dodson’s site because it comes in a stupid cake box. Grrrr). My thoughts about people profiting off pleasure are complicated but one thing that definitely drives me fucking mental is watching people paint themselves as revolutionaries when they’re better described as opportunists.

The paradigm that Cake puts forth in promoting shameless female gratification is one that strikes me as very much rooted in a misguided resentment of male sexual privilege. It’s easy for me to see progression when it comes to things like pay equity but when it comes to getting what women perceive men have always gotten in regards to sex, it’s not that simple. I get creating alternative erotic cultures and the allure of casual sex, but what I see is Cake using female indignation at being deprived of it—payback debauchery if you will—to fuel a company rather than a convincing, meaningful movement. It’s no surprise given their tactics that their head of business development is a guy who worked for Maxim and MTV.

People have the right to learn skills that make them more sexually conscious and self-loving but I sure get nervous when those expounding that notion also make incontestable statements like, “Sex isn’t over till we come.” These are the fruits of feminism? Sounds more like the competitive attitude that’s damaged our boys.

Dear Sasha, In the last couple of years I really discovered that I enjoy the bondage and discipline scene. To my surprise, I like being the slave with my boyfriend. Now, for us, we’re not into anything too heavy—the discipline or endurance training doesn’t break skin for example—we primarily enjoy the power roles of Master and slave. For example, I feel great comfort and security kneeling in front of my boyfriend and talking, or if we’re watching television, I’ll sit on the floor wearing a collar while my boyfriend is on the couch. To add to the role playing, I’ll be the one getting him a drink or munchies, or cleaning up after dinner.

A few weeks ago at a big fetish party, I enjoyed kneeling in front of him in the chill out room. It just seemed natural, completely mutually respectful, fun and loving. In fact, I saw a younger gay couple doing the same and they looked so beautiful. So, why do I feel so guilty? Why do I have this stigma that the role I’ve found myself in is considered weak and needy? —A Happy but Guilty Slave

Dear Happy but Guilty,
Big secret: Nearly everyone feels weak and needy when it comes to sex no matter how they like to get it. It’s how we act on this that determines healthy and unhealthy sexual expression, not the expression in and of itself. Lack of respect for boundaries, unwelcome abuse, disparate and unresolved feelings, these are all things that hurt a relationship no matter what its fundamental narrative.

Go to the online versions of conscientious sex stores like Come As You Are (www.comeasyouare.com, Canadian) or Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com, American) and you’ll find scads of useful, assuasive information on bottoming. I recommend books by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM