by CHRIS BARRY

Yes, it’s that time of year again, when families come together in mutual harmony to celebrate the season and each other, laughing, loving, exchanging gifts and pleasantries—oh, ’tis a wonderful season indeed. Except, of course, the holiday season can be damn stressful, and by far the most difficult aspect of it, for many people, is that of being forced to confront all those skeletons in the family closet.

Take that niece with ADHD, who drives you crazy every Christmas morn. You probably do love her, but you probably would find the family get-together a lot more pleasant if you could find a way to stop her running around the house screaming inanities like someone on day five of an extended crack binge.

Or your grandma, that bastion of negativity who’s either in the early stages of Alzheimer’s or just simply couldn’t give a flying fuck about anything you have to say—well, maybe if you better understood what was going down in that nutty head of hers, you’d actually be able to help her, instead of letting her blather foolishness and continually drive you crazy.

According to mental health experts, there are ways to best deal with these types of family situations, methods that might both save you considerable stress and maybe even help you better comprehend either the individual, or source, causing your anxiety.

Hyper brats

Dr. Reut Gruber, a clinical psychologist affiliated with the Douglas hospital, is one of those experts. Gruber suggests a good place to start when it comes to dealing with a relative suffering from ADHD is to try and prevent episodes before they begin. “Remind the child that you’re their friend, that you’re there to help them, and that they can ask you for help at the onset of any conflicts with other family members,” she says. “This will allow you to prevent problems, either by addressing it yourself or by allowing you to hint to the child’s parent that something might be starting with the child. Also, if you notice the child becoming tired or overexcited, offer them a quiet activity not requiring much social interaction, like watching a movie. At dinner, make sure they have a spot at the table with plenty of room to stretch and move about, and be sure to always commend their good behaviour, letting them know you appreciate them by praising all of their accomplishments, however small or large.

“Finally,” says Gruber, “try to manage your own stress. When the child is acting out, take a big breath and try to relax, retain your sense of humour, and really, do your best to consider the underlying reasons for the child’s behaviour. Think ADHD, not BAD.”

Demented grandparents

Okay, so now that you’re ready to deal with that ADHD, or perhaps, simply just a bratty, kid, what about your elderly grandmother? Like, is she developing Alzheimer’s and truly demented, or, more like you’ve always suspected, is she just a miserable old bitch who knows everything and respects your opinion about as much as she hates the way you’re always trying to tell her what’s best for her—like, you know, trying to encourage her to eat more than three meals a week? Psychologist Dolly Dastoor, who’s also affiliated with the Douglas hospital, has a few words to help you understand what might be going down with an individual like this.

“There are different types of dementia,” she says. “Alzheimer’s disease, the most common form of dementia, principally affects the memory, but there are other varieties that affect personality and make people behave in a very negative, impulsive manner. What you need to remember is that all people suffering from dementia are people with their own likes and dislikes who don’t want to follow instructions or ‘commands’—which they might feel are threatening or restrictive. They might very well perceive your efforts to help them as interfering with their independence. So instead of expressing themselves in an appropriate manner, they instead react negatively—almost like having a tantrum.

“In certain situations,” she offers, “it’s best not to insist they comply with your wishes. The more you insist, the more the person is likely to dig in their heels. It’s important that they feel they’re in control and can make decisions for themselves. You can point out the consequences of their actions, but leave the decision to them. They might very well reflect upon it for a time and then do what you want them to do anyway. I would say, however, that should the person in question become physically aggressive, it might be time to consult a geriatric psychiatrist to prescribe some mild medication to help calm them down.”

Don’t go N.U.T.S.

Which brings us around to you, the most important person in your life, and the damage all this seasonal stress threatens to burden you with. What can you do to minimize your holiday stress levels? Tania Elaine Schramek, who is the coordinator of the Centre for Studies on Human Stress at the Douglas, says what leads to stress in the holidays is exactly the same as what leads to stress throughout the rest of the year.

“There is a universal recipe for stress,” she says. “When a situation contains one of the following four characteristics, it causes the release of stress hormones in everyone. Think N.U.T.S. Novelty, Unpredictability, pose a Threat to the ego or sense of self, and leave one with a poor Sense of control. Don’t go N.U.T.S. over stress!” she urges.

“The holidays are most definitely characterized by N.U.T.S.—traffic, the number of people in stores, long lines at the cash, finding the right gift etc—these elements all contribute to a lack of control and unpredictability. The whole purpose of our stress response is to mobilize the energy we need to either fight or flee a threat in the environment—say a large woolly mammoth. So, if you feel your stress response kicking in—rapid heart beat, sweating, a sudden burst of anger—then make sure you use up the energy that’s been mobilized. Walk up the escalators at the mall or at work, or, if you can’t move because you’re, let’s say, stuck in traffic, contract and release your muscles several times, breathe in a manner that causes your belly to stick out, and if you’re alone, scream as loud as you can. Your body and brain expect these kinds of things to occur in times of stress.

Finally,” she says, “and most befitting of the holidays, are laughter and performing acts of goodness. Scientific studies have shown both decrease stress hormone levels. So, stop and get a soup and sandwich for a homeless person, or help someone with their bags. The warm feeling will stay with you a while and decrease your stress hormones to boot.”