by RAF KATIGBAK

“That this House recognize that the Québécois form a nation within a united Canada.” Bam! And so the House of Commons passed a controversial motion recognizing Quebec as a nation within Canada.

Controversial because some believe it opens a whole can of vers de terre for separatism, while other sceptics see it merely as a political pacifier meant to placate separatists, and still others, like Michael Chong, who subsequently resigned as intergovernmental affairs minister over the motion, opposed it as breaking up the idea of Canada as a unified whole “based on civic and not ethnic nationalism.”

But despite any naysaying, and the inability for everyone to agree on a specific phrasing—the Bloc recognised that Quebec “forms a nation currently within Canada...” as in: this shit ain’t over, yo—the motion was passed overwhelmingly 266 to 16.

Announcement of the decision quickly spread and prompted a concise and unified response from the province as a whole: “Ummm...no duh!”

It doesn’t take a rocket scientologist to figure out this province is special (whether it’s “special” in the Olympic sense of the term remains to be seen). Anyone still holding the view that Québécois are the same as any other Canadian need only take a stroll through our city to gaze at the many unique cultural gifts we have given the world—but walk carefully and watch out for those geriatric mobility scooters that run rampant on our sidewalks.

Only in Montreal can you buy a new giant LCD flat screen TV, take in a movie, eat a four-star meal for cheap, buy a two-prong dildo, get completely shit-faced, take in a girl-on-girl shower show, and then go to church and ask God for forgiveness for succumbing to most of the seven deadly sins... all in the same block.

Like it or not, we’re different. I mean, never mind the language, have you seen Québécois entertainment? It’s insane. While Les Bougons is gut-busting hilarious and www.

tetesaclaques.tv is total fucking genius and proof enough that Quebec is distinct, most of the stuff we broadcast is completely from outer space, and I was born here! And don’t get me started on the Sunday afternoon D&D ogre-fests on the mountain.

It even comes down to the very food we eat. Where else in Canada do you find a delightful gastronomical mutant like poutine? What the rest of Canada calls shepherd’s pie, we know as its proper name: Chinese paté (you know how the Chinese love their corn and mash potatoes, eh!). Pour some maple syrup on our peas, beans, and ham? Why not! While you’re at it, could you pass the Christ’s Ears? Mmmmm... nothing says “delicious” like the severed aural receptacle of a 2,000-year-old prophet believed to be the incarnate Son of God and the redeemer of the human race.

Yes, we’re unique and it’s great that people can finally come to terms with that. But before we all go rejoicing in the streets with fleur de lys painted on our faces, riding unicycles, smoking weed from elaborate skull bongs, juggling devil sticks and throwing creton in the air like it was rice at a wedding, we should suck on this little nugget of truth: political instability is the best thing to happen to Quebec since we strategically sent Celine Dion off to Vegas.

Have you noticed since the threat of separatism eased up, this city has been overwrought with prosperity? Condos are popping up like zits on a Chicoutimi stripper’s ass, people are thinking it’s okay to live here and rents started climbing. What does this mean for the artists and the low-income earners trying to live like a lord on a pauper’s pittance? Well, they’re screwed, and their laissez-faire attitude might have to make way for progress or, gasp, real jobs. But these are the people that truly make Quebec unique: the few, the proud, the lazy.

Okay, sure, compared to other Canadian megalopolises like Toronto and Vancouver, Montreal looks a little grimy and run down. But that’s just the way I like it: vive le Québec...et vive le loyer cheap!

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca

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