M Yo, Chef from Peer Pressure, man, don’t get too high on yourself. I was at that party at the SAT on Saturday and it sucked. The place was like a McGill dorm, hopping with a bunch of slutty-assed bitches, hoping that there’s someone out there who’s gonna scout them for an American Apparel ad. Totally boring party, man. I don’t know what it is about COCAINE: for some people, it just takes the fun out of the party. It was like a room full of people standing around pretending to have fun listening to terrible music, man. Thought I’d let you know. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M I’m replying to the Peer Pressure rant as stated by the Funky Chef about how their parties are so crazy because the girls have to put their SHIRTS back on. I would just like to clarify that those girls putting their shirts back on were promoting a Web site called God’s Girls—a copy of Suicide Girls. It’s pretty cheesy. I happen to know many people who went, most of whom were over 25, who were offended and annoyed and slightly grossed out by the faux-sensationalism of having girls taking their clothes off at their parties and having ALCOHOL poured all over them and projected on the screens. Just so I show that I’m not a biased hater, I’d like to say that Hatch and A-Rock are really good DJs and Peer Pressure parties are good for the music but this little attempt at being crazy with nudity and HIRED NUDE HELP I think is pretty lame and the Funky Chef should go back to giving massages instead of giving false opinions about something that he benefits from. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this one goes out to Bob Dylan. Bob, I love the way that you’re putting blues and jazz together on your new album, man. It’s really working for you. I went to go see your show and I was expecting to hear your entire album—which I did—but why didn’t you pick up your GUITAR once, man? Why not just once? I’ve been playing the b-side of Freewheelin’ for two months prior to the show, until my fingers went down to the bone. I’m looking at bone right now as we speak. I don’t know if you played the keyboards the entire show just as an ode to Montreal because this town is fucking full of keyboards, but a little piece of me died inside. Love, I Fucking Hate Keyboards. [BLEEP!]

M I don’t believe there is a trend going on in Quebec but can somebody tell our fellow metalheads that GLASSES don’t belong in rock music or heavy metal?! In the last month, I’ve seen at least two or three metal musicians keeping their glasses on in the band pictures and even the guy from Augury keeps his glasses on when he plays live. And the guy is a teacher—oh boy, my illusions are smashed. What a rebellion it is. [BLEEP!]

M In response to the gripe about Mile-End hipsters. Hipster has no reference to how deep your pockets are, so the fact that 35 per cent of those who live in the Mile-End are welfare people has nothing to do with how hip we are. Please get your terminology clear. You may be hip and poor. You may even be a street-dwelling squeegee punk and be hip. You can also have rich deep pockets and be very hip, although annoyingly wealthy. This strange need to put people in little compartments and say, “Oh, you have money, you must not be hip, or you are broke so you can’t be hip”—well, who’s hip then? Nobody’s hip? Probably not anymore. There’s probably no such thing as a true hipster anymore. Sad. [BLEEP!]

M I’d rather be a Mile-End hipster than a Walkley Street piece of shit white trash. You know who I’m talking to. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, about Margo the weather girl. She’s not the HOTTEST WEATHER GIRL. Lori, the blonde chick on CFCF-12, there, she’s the hottest. She doesn’t show enough leg there but by far she’s the hottest. She keeps me up every night. [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling about that sex dream I had last night about William Shatner. Guess what, William? I was faking it the whole time. [BLEEP!]

M This is a message to the unfortunate girl who got her ass slapped at St-Urbain and Mont-Royal. Listen, honey, I feel bad for you and everything but you need to go out and get yourself a copy of this documentary called The Secret. It’s all about the law of attraction. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but for some reason you called him and he came and he was A-SLAPPIN’. You gotta figure out why it is you’re calling these guys and how to stop it. That’s my advice. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to the girl who was complaining about people clipping their nails in public. If you think that’s bad, imagine how I felt when the other day when I was waiting for the metro, the woman sitting on the bench next to me actually proceeded to take off her shoe, take off her sock and start picking at her TOENAILS with her fingers. That makes clipping your nails in public look pretty tame. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum