by MATTHEW HAYS

Timing being everything, I can’t quite understand the release of The Nativity Story so close to Dec. 25. I mean, don’t the studios know how few precious shopping days there are between now and Christmas? Who’s going to have time to see this thing? What were they thinking!

But seriously, folks: the people behind this movie are actually expecting us to believe that they wanted to provide us with some family-friendly, Christian-themed entertainment for the holiday season, and are not, as the cynical among us might suspect, simply trying to cash in on the demographic made glaringly obvious by the smash success of The Passion of the Christ.

There were the people behind The Nativity Story, including director Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown), singing its praises on Nightline last week. In pretty straightforward style, the movie shows us the tale of Mary and Joseph and the birth of Christ. The film already has a built-in controversy: its 16-year-old star, Keisha Castle-Hughes (who got an Oscar nomination for her role in Whale Rider), found herself pregnant, off-screen, during the filmmaking. This was seen as something that might put off the conservative religious right, and thus might lead—God forbid—to a cut in box-office take.

I only wish something that saucy and exciting might have happened on screen. Hardwicke has said in interviews that she wanted to avoid the often-monotonous tone so many religious epics often take. These are odd statements, given how paint-by-numbers The Nativity Story seems. There’s the standard, historical-epic art direction; there are reverent, stilted performances; every now and then, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir pipes up to let us know when to snap to holy attention; and there is the ending, where the birth ignites a pseudo-rock-concert light show.

I couldn’t wait for this painfully slow, deliberate and obvious film to end. This holiday season, The Nativity Story will probably succeed in doing little more than reminding people how long and arduous the act of childbirth can be, while also drumming up support for local atheists’ societies.

The Nativity Story opens Friday, Dec. 1

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