On the topic, I remember once that a woman wrote you to ask you what she should do: Her boyfriend was a SM aficionado (so she believed). She was not, though somewhat willing to explore, but her boyfriend was absolutely not into SM with her—he wanted to have a family and all that [“Family ties,” Sasha, May 11]. Your “advice” was that a baby would not go well in that situation. I found this interesting, because I would not have been so decisive. I am interested in sex and long-term relationships—a problem that does not ring a bell to most of your readers, I suppose—but an interesting question all the same, and one we don’t tackle well enough before getting our hands tied. —Sabine
Dear Sabine,
One thing you really clue into when you write about sex—and therefore spend a little more time thinking about it (or at least different time) than the average person—is that everyone’s experience filter causes them to process information uniquely, no matter how plainly it is presented.
Here are a few of the most obvious examples of this in action:
(1) Whenever I write positively about sex work in developing nations, I can look forward to hectoring letters accusing me of denying trafficking. Look at any article I’ve written about this and you’ll see I am very clear about the distinction. Sexual enterprise is not like religion: one way of approaching it does not impugn the other.
(2) Whenever I write about circumcision—something I am against for any reason including theological ones—I receive comments from anti-circumcision activists who can’t believe I’m pro-circumcision. I wish these men weren’t so crackers. It makes it very difficult to stand in league with them.
The contents of the letter and response to which you refer are very clear. The man could not integrate his interest in SM into a loving relationship, the woman found she wasn’t interested in SM and they weren’t having sex. Where do you see a baby improving that, particularly since sex is required to make one? Additionally, if you believe that I think a kinky relationship cannot accommodate a child, on the contrary: when it comes to genitors and genitorture, people who practice SM conscientiously likely make great parents, since they spend a lot of time reflecting on boundaries and power and they know where, how and why aggression is appropriate.
On that note, while I respect a good dominatrix, she shouldn’t be your only measure of women’s interest in kink, and she most definitely shouldn’t be your only measure when her views are being strained through a talk show host’s queries. Though the media is more sympathetic to the complexities of sex work than it used to be, the fact remains that it cannot get enough of the magical and mysterious world of the client. And while sex workers are now permitted to say there is any variety or soul to their customers without being ridiculed, this single-minded line of questioning leaves little room for the woman’s more general feelings about SM, if she has any.
Perhaps you did not garner any understanding of women and SM because the questions remained in the realm of the patrons, the majority of whom are indeed men. I suggest if you want to learn more about SM and women you look at books by two authors I recommend frequently: Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. The DVD Whipsmart, featuring Mistress Morgana, is also very edifying on the topic.
In closing, allow me to offer the acme of sex advice: try not to assume anything about peoples’ interests and problems, including your own. You will find yourself kicked in the ass nine times out of 10 if you do this.
