F Me and my friend just came back from New York and we saw the most kick-ass band ever there, it was called Dead Letter Box. I was wondering, why don’t we have any of these bands in Montreal? When are we gonna get some SEXY ASS over here? Because that lead singer was so hot. Anyway, bring Dead Letter Box to Montreal. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, what’s up, Mount Real, this is the Funky Chef representing the Peer Pressure crew. For all those of you that were chillin’ out at the SAT on Saturday night, respect, you guys saw the live incarnation of what we’re calling our next chapter. For those of you that didn’t see it, man, I’ve never seen the SAT so popping as I did last night. The shit got so BUCK WILD that the girls had to put their shirts back on cuz security was threatening to kick them out! That’s how crazy shit was, and that’s how crazy we roll! For all you that don’t know, come check us out next time, showtime, SAT, January. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M This rant’s concerning the rather disturbing trend of booking TRIBUTE BANDS into the Bell Centre. Does anybody really go see these concerts? And why are the promoters passing up known rock bands in exchange for these wannabes? Perfect example: Ottawa gets the Who, we don’t. I rest my case. Losers. [BLEEP!]

M To the moron who was talking about Bob Dylan. Apparently, you’re not a real fan because if you’d asked Bob Dylan, he would say he is not a SUPREME HUMAN BEING and that all the old fans from the ’60s and the ’70s were a bunch of idiots. He just wanted to make music and he had no real statement to make. Now if you go around going, “he’s a god,” then you’re one of the people that Bob Dylan doesn’t like. In fact, all the real fans know that Bob Dylan doesn’t really like any of his fans! [BLEEP!]

M If only 29 per cent of people like Bob Dylan, that’s only four per cent more than the population with herpes. And I’m an economics major so if I can do statistics correctly, that means that .05 percent of the population of Montreal has herpes and likes Bob Dylan. [BLEEP!]

F Oh, it won’t stop. It’ll never stop. Next it’ll be St-Henri hipster. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to the people complaining about NOISE. You guys are capitalist pigs! I’ve been living in my apartment for over seven years, my neighbours upstairs, downstairs, we all make as much noise as we want at any fucking time! The reason why? Because we live in Montreal!! If you want to have less noise, then make more money and go to a place where it is full of capitalist pigs like you and enforce your rules. Stop coming to a BOHEMIAN CITY and expecting us to be straight edge like you people. We’re Montreal, for fuck’s sake. Cultural diversity! Where people do what we want when we want—not because some fucking idiot that comes from Toronto or the States comes here and thinks that we should be like them. [BLEEP!]

M To the girl watching Entertainment Tonight. You know why Nicole Richie’s still getting air time? Because there’s a GAY CONSPIRACY in Hollywood. They want girls to look like that. But even though they’re LOLLIPOP HEADS, I’d still dick ’em. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, this is a rant and also a warning out to all the ladies in the Plateau. I was walking home last night, on Mont-Royal and St-Urbain and this dude came up to me, swearing in my face and SMACKED MY ASS really fucking hard. And I couldn’t do anything about it so I’m calling the Rant Line™ because he’s one fucked-up motherfucker. You can’t miss him because he’s tall, black and skinny and he carries a fucking stupid CANE. Anyway, I’m pissed off about this because I want to walk around in my neighbourhood and not feel like I’m gonna get assaulted. So that’s my rant and thanks for existing. [BLEEP!]

M This is for all the junkies in town. Stop throwing your fucking NEEDLES everywhere. Back alleys, parks. You stupid fucks. Pick up after yourselves. [BLEEP!]

M Margo used to be the best Weather Girl in Montreal. Now she’s the best Saturday morning disc jockey on the radio at seven o’clock. Listen… [puts receiver to the radio, unidentifiable music is heard] It’s awesome! Saturday morning, seven o’clock, you get to hear this! I’m groovin’, I’m movin’. Margo! Margo! [BLEEP!]

F [crying] This is for the little bastard who slashed all four of my tires last night at the corner of Melrose and Cote-St-Luc, and also the tires of several other cars. I don’t think you realize how much you fucked me over. Some people can’t afford to just run out and buy four new tires! You’ve ruined some other lives and I hope you fucking ROT IN HELL. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is to the girl with RED BANGS in her eyes working at the Vidéotron on Queen Mary. I need to know if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend because I think I love you. I’m the guy with the $90 late fee who’s always buying those Winnie the Pooh’s IN COSTUME. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum