by RAF KATIGBAK

Dear friends, my life is over. That’s it. Done. Kaput. I just want to thank my family for being so supportive and my friends who, meaning well, tried to convince me that this was the wrong choice. That life—real life—was worth living.

Dad, I know we haven’t spoken in a while—ever since you shaved my head and took me to work in a wheelchair to prove that you were actually visiting your sick kid for the last week and not, in fact, on an all-inclusive package trip to Puerto Vallarta—but I want you to know that this was my decision.

Mom, I know that you really care about me and that you meant well by sending me those boxes of dog biscuits every month, even though you know full well I don’t have a dog. I want you to know that you were probably the greatest mom I ever had.

To my friends, you’ve tried for a while to talk me out of it, but ultimately your concerns have fallen from my ears like the George Michael gold hoop and cross earring I rocked in Grade 9.

I have already made my choice; I am leaving this earthly world of human interaction. I’m going to a place where the warm touch of a fellow human being is but a faded memory, a place where there are always beautiful people everywhere, where people dance in perfect synchronization 24 hours a day, and you can order anything you’d ever need, and a few things you don’t, whenever you want.

It’s a wondrous world where visions that stretch the limits of your imagination appear at every step. A place where Jordan Knight, Flava Flav, Brigitte Nielsen and Full House nice guy Dave Coulier live together under one roof.

Yes my friends, I’m getting cable.

You must forgive me if this column seems out of sorts; I’m still groggy. My mind is reeling in a haze of tweaked-out tiredness and soul-crushing numbness, much like the losers from that World’s Greatest Knockouts show I was watching till 3 a.m. on the 24-hour boxing channel last night, right after that special two-hour sesh of E! True Hollywood Story about Mayim Bialik, TV’s Blossom (whoa, did she ever blimp out!).

It wasn’t an easy choice, believe me. Upon hearing rumours of my dark desire, friends would take me aside. “Don’t do it,” they would whisper, “you’re wasting your life.” But they don’t know the sense of wonderment and achievement you get after uncovering “The Mystery of the Human Hobbit” at 4 a.m. on a Monday morning, or the fast-paced non-stop heart-wrenching drama of the 24-hour Jai-alai station. How could they?

Do they realize how fast the Original Magic Bullet can make a delicious and health-enriched berry daquiri/smoothie? Or how important it is when choosing kitchen cabinet doors to also listen to what you don’t like, and learn from it? Of course they don’t, they’re not staring down the barrel of over 300 crystal clear digital television stations.

What it boils down to is freedom: the freedom to choose what I want to watch when I want to watch it (within the confines of the corporate affiliated cable networks and their selective fiscally-based programming), and also the freedom to exercise my essential right to sit on my fat ass and not exercise.

Just as the terrorists hate our freedom, my friends seem to hate my cable. Just like those pesky Taliban, they can’t stand the thought of me flipping through hundreds of democratically enriched programming. But I can’t blame them. They’re just ignorant. Just like the terrorists, they probably don’t realize how much they need an authentic diamonoid replica bracelet of the one J-Lo wore to the Grammys three years ago, until they’ve seen one for sale on the Celebrity Shopping network for a few easy installments of $99.95.

As I’ve said, the choice I made was not easy, but it was my duty as a patriotic Canadian to teach people the way. If my friends want real human contact, let them watch Looking for Love: Bachelorettes in Alaska. If the terrorists want justice, let them watch Judge Judy dish it out in the seven-hour Court TV marathon next Wednesday. Indeed, if you, me and everyone you know, don’t get cable, the terrorists may have won.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca

>> Music Listings