M Yeah, I just saw a population poll on the news today that made me absolutely sick. When asked, “Are you a Bob Dylan fan?” only 29 per cent of the people said yes, and 71 per cent said no. What is wrong with us?! What kind of city do we live in when a SUPREME HUMAN BEING like Bob Dylan only gets 29 per cent of us listening? I’m a youngster, I love hip hop, I love metal, I love all the new age shit. But I’ve still got all the respect in the world for this man—one of the kings of songwriting. And only 29 per cent of us have the fucking time of day for him! It makes me wanna rant, it makes me wanna fucking rant. So there. [BLEEP!]

M As far as the Vaginal Croutons are concerned, I’m glad that they’re not around anymore! But I guess the same could be said of any moron who pretends that he’s a musician in this city. There is way more interest in DJs—the so-called musicians—than REAL MUSICIANS. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is Kip Rectum from the Vaginal Croutons and we were all at the Zappa show and it was totally sick and you’re totally right. The fact that people are still talking about us and we haven’t even played together for FIVE years is kind of ridiculous. Long live Napoleon Murphy Brock! [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Johnny Jackoff from Vaginal Croutons. Yes, I’m still around. I just saw the rant about us from last week—not bad for a band who hasn’t played in THREE years. Good to know we’re still pissing people off. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. This is Spongy Crackers from Vaginal Croutons. Ironic, isn’t it, that we were all at the Zappa show. Anyway, what’s next? You gonna tell us how great Justin Timberlake was by dissing SLAVES ON DOPE? Long live the music of Frank Zappa! [BLEEP!]

M To everyone who isn’t excited for the new Tom Waits CD, I challenge you to a fight to the death. Meet me on the top of Mount Royal at sunrise on December 1. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is a rant about Cabaret Mado. A whole bunch of us guys are here tonight, we’re here for a fantastic BACHELOR PARTY. Our friend from B.C. is marrying a Bulgarian, it’s a beautiful experience. We’re at Mado’s, it’s a grand old time, it’s a big old grindy dance party, vraimont Montrealais. But then, all of a sudden, there’s this big explosion of ’70s drag dance onstage—as part of the cabaret—and we’re dancing to the fantastic ’70s tunage and then they come and they tell us, “Stop dancing! Stop dancing! Sit down or you’ll have to leave.” No reason was given! Montreal has a problem, it’s a very non-dance-friendly city! It’s blasphemy. Blasphemy, I say! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is concerning the expression MILE-END HIPSTER. Earlier on, it was Plateau hipster. It’s a little irritating, to put it mildly. I am not sure if it is the COFFEE BARISTAS or the Coffee Joes and Coffee Janes who have invented that expression. But we who live here know that 35 per cent of those who live on the Plateau or in Mile-End are at, or under, existence minimum level—in other words, WELFARE PEOPLE. We don’t think that you should censor the other brilliant types but, well, try to use that annoying expression a little less. Thanks a lot. [BLEEP!]

F People, stop clipping your NAILS in public please. I’ve seen you do it in the metro, in the music shops and even in the library. Stop clipping. It’s totally gross and I can’t believe you do it everywhere. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m just calling to say that Rant Line™ people are just people that are complaining with their BELLY FULL. That’s all I have to say. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the black guy who admitted that he’s shy, too, that not all the brothers have balls. Hey, good for your honesty, dude. We should all go back to the days of the Pistols and hardcore punk, when the girls were really AGGRESIVE. Then, nobody had any problem. [BLEEP!]

M I’m French, I’m at work right now and I was thinking about the fact that I really need a girlfriend. I’m THE GUY THAT ALWAYS WEARS UNDIES at shows. But this girl at my work is so cute, she should come talk to me, but I’m too shy. I’m just like everyone else because I’m too hot to be not shy. [BLEEP!]

F I was just watching Entertainment Tonight—God knows why—and I don’t understand why Nicole Richie is still getting airtime. She is clearly an ANOREXIC CORPSE and it’s absolutely absurd to me that people can look at her body and believe the bullshit that she keeps coming out with that she’s not anorexic. She clearly, clearly is. This is an epidemic that needs to be stopped. Beauty is not bones on a rack, meaning the spine, and if I see one more person with a head that looks bigger than the rest of their body, I’m moving to Mars because we might as well be among aliens. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum