With their own country in perfect working order and the U.S. military becoming renowned for its sound ethics and lightning-fast efficiency, the Bush administration has decided to resume controversial training of Latin American military officials, reports USA Today, in the hopes that U.S.-bought soldiers will put an end to the scourge of leftism south of the Rio Grande.

Once the proud mentors of students who’d gone on to rape, torture and form death squads, the White House passed a law in 2002 against providing military aid and training to countries that refused to guarantee U.S. soldiers immunity from potential International Criminal Court prosecution. Since then, there has been a drift toward leftist governments and a loss of U.S. control in Latin America. Particularly bothersome to the administration was the fact that China had stepped up to fill the gap.

In a trip to Puerto Rico earlier this year, Condoleeza Rice said the ban had been “the same as shooting ourselves in the foot.” With a preference for shooting anti-American unionists in the neck, Bush issued a memorandum to Rice last month allowing the resumption of military training for 11 Latin American and Caribbean countries.

» Scott Saxon