F Hi Rant Line™. To the gal who said there was nothing in the Mirror about the Zappa show but there was stuff on the Vaginal Croutons. That must have been a Mirror from 1998 because the Vaginal Croutons are not even around anymore. Personally, I wish they were NEVER around, they were pretty bad. But they were the only thing Montreal had at the time, other than THE SUBUMLAUTS and whatever else was going on at Jailhouse. Anyway, I am sure everyone in Montreal loves Zappa. Zappa! Zappa! Good bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yo Montreal, this is a rant coming to you live from Bobards on St-Laurent. And I’m ranting because Bobards has a problem. And it’s not just Bobards—it’s a larger problem. When people start dancing, it’s becoming like FOOTLOOSE all over again. You dance in a bar where you’re not supposed to dance and they shut you down, brothers and sisters, and that’s fucking lame! Montreal shouldn’t be about that! We were dancing around the pool table at Bobards and it was like the SWAT team came down to kick us out because we were interfering with the pool players. This is a bad, bad, bad cultural activity for this city. If you wanna dance in a bar like Bobards and a good band is playing, you should be able to dance. And that’s all I’ve gotta say. It’s indicative of a larger cultural trend that is BAD FOR CANADA. [BLEEP!]

F All of you guys that missed The Rocky Horror Picture Show this year, you missed something fucking crazy! Honestly, it was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. People getting up on stage, even audience members up there, whipping out their shit! What a party! If you missed it this year, definitely try to check it out next year. P.S. that chick with the blonde hair who played Rocky was fucking hot. [BLEEP!]

F So I was just wondering what was up with that Shout Out Out Out Out picture in the Mirror? I mean, we’ve got contortionism because we have Cirque du Soleil and we’ve got emo but contortionist emo? I mean, what the fuck? [BLEEP!]

F To the person who was complaining about his ANNOYING NEIGHBOURS. Not necessarily everyone who’s up until 4:30 in the morning doesn’t have a job and doesn’t get up at seven in the morning—some people get up at seven in the morning and stay up all night and just don’t sleep at all! [BLEEP!]

M I just want to say what a great rant that was last week, about the annoying neighbours. I’ve been in a similar situation. I’ve lived in this building for 12 years and some new tenants, members of a Montreal band who shall remain anonymous, have been living here and rehearsing. I’m an artist myself—I make SCULPTURES—so I respect other artists and what they do. I make a lot of noise so I own a studio so I don’t disturb my neighbours. The musicians don’t seem to see it that way. But if, instead of sleeping all day, they went out and got jobs, they could afford a studio themselves. But anyway, in a strange twist of fate, things have been going pretty well for me lately. I have been working hard with my sculptures and also at a part-time job and I’ve been offered the building by the landlord at a reduced rate due to the fact that I’ve been here for 12 years and I’m a very good tenant. And this Friday, I’m gonna let the musicians know who the new landlord is. [BLEEP!]

M For the girl who dissed the SHY GUY from the Bifteck and said that’s why she dates the BROTHERS. You know what? I’m a brother and often enough I don’t have the balls to walk up and talk to a girl—does that make me an even bigger pussy? According to your standards, I guess so. Here’s what I think you should do: call up and leave your contact info and I’ll give you some balls to suck on so you can stop talking shit. [BLEEP!]

M And that’s why I only date the SISTERS, because they don’t bust my balls. [BLEEP!]

F For the guy who was too shy to get that girl’s number at Bifteck. I moved to Montreal in March and I really think the problem here is that everyone talks about how everyone’s so goddamn hot in Montreal but no one walks up to someone to get their number. You’re all too busy being hot that you forget the primal instinct of getting the girl’s number and then fucking her. Really makes me pissed off. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up? This is a message for PIMPLE TWAT. Yeah, listen, you’re going to have to stop shaving it, honey. Don’t do it. It’s all about waxing, okay? You wanna avoid the pain, you wanna avoid the itching, use wax. It’s still gonna itch there but it’s gonna take a lot longer to do so. Wax. Save yourself the trouble. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Sweetheart, if that pimple is on your lips, it’s an ingrown hair, you need to tweeze it. If that pimple is inside your vage, it’s herpes, you need to go to a doctor. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum