Dear Sasha: I’m 57-year-old quadriplegic with a form of muscular dystrophy. I was married for two years, and divorced in 1990. After my divorce, my only sexual encounters have been three one-shot deals: two of them paid for, and about three months of attention from a young man who masturbated me in return for bottles of wine. Although my sex drive is not great, I’m still feeling pretty frustrated in that area. I can bring on my own orgasms, but to do so I have to indulge in fantasies that involve violence and domination.

I put an ad on Craigslist and got over 60 replies. As I started to check them out, several turned out to be only interested in the titillation factor, and the one guy I did meet was just too weird. I gave up before answering more than 12 of the replies. It really does seem too hard to make the connection with a decent, gentle fellow interested in a little unusual but quite straightforward sex. What do you recommend? —Rachel

Dear Rachel,
I don’t know anybody who hasn’t had at least one off-putting experience placing an online profile. On one casual hook-up site, I listed dick shots and bad spelling as my turnoffs and yet I invariably got pictures of disembodied knobs telling me I was a “godess.” As I write this, I am certain of the impending deluge of poorly worded letters whose authors regard the very mention of these things in m y column as a personal invitation to send me photos of their penises. And there will undoubtedly be several addressed to you, the horny quad who wants nothing more than to be beaten off for booze. Lots of toads out there—and an Internet presence means discovering them in what can be a very unpleasant fashion. The instant anonymity of the Internet sex and relationship connection abets a jarring and often misguided shorthand many of us find offensive.

Cory Silverberg is a sex educator and disability activist. His column appears on about.com and he is co-author of a terrific book called The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. “As a disabled person, she is not alone in finding it difficult to connect with people,” he says. “We live in a society that considers different bodies to be bad —too big, too short, doesn’t walk right etc—so finding partners whether for a long-term relationship, a casual sexual encounter or something in between, is very hard. There’s no quick advice that will change that.”

The solution is going to take some effort. “In this case, she might want to think about the most comfortable way for her to make more social connections,” says Cory. “That could mean volunteering for an organization she likes where she can get out and meet people. It could mean joining some online communities that focus on an interest of hers unrelated to sex. It could mean getting involved in her local disability community by finding out if she has a centre for independent living and what's going on there.”

Cory says that most of his friends with visible disabilities feel this way at some point or another, and “many of them feel it all the time. It is hard.” Disabled people looking for specific resources in their locality are free to e-mail Cory at cory@comeasyouare.com.

Dear Sasha: Where can I meet women interested in having casual anal sex? —Gabriel

Dear Gabriel,
The number of non-professional biological women skulking around the usual casual anal sex areas—parks, bathhouses, peepshows and porn theatres—is severely restricted by the fact that we’re not allowed in most of these places alone (or even with a partner, as I’ve discovered). Many women wouldn’t know how to find them anyway and most women I know wouldn’t even consider marching their dog across a park at three in the morning, much less their bare ass.

However, if you include crossdressers and shemales in your definition of women, you may have better luck. Despite their own very reasonable concerns, they are more inclined to visit shady venues for sex—though the rules around their attendance occasionally have that eccentric quality that so many involving gender do: an attempt at being both particular and fair, thereby being neither. For example, if a shemale wants to visit one of the men’s bathhouses I called up, she can’t wear make-up. But hey, there’s always Craigslist.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM