F Okay, so I pick up all the free press and guess what? Nothing covering the Zappa show! The Vaginal Croutons play and everyone makes a big deal but then THE SON OF A MUSICAL GENIUS plays the repertoire of Frank Zappa and no one even talks about it. Fuck, man, I thought Montrealers were into music. Beep. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up, what’s up? This is the Funky Chef callin’, it’s not a rant at all, it’s just a prop call for my main man, Narci, on the cover of the magazine. Yo, big up, bro. Spread the word. Peace, love and knowledge. Respect. [BLEEP!]

M This isn’t so much a rant, it’s more of a different perspective. One should sit down with the new Squarepusher next to a nice fireplace with a nice BAT of CANNABLISS and enjoy the sound and watch the flame. And maybe next time he comes to Montreal, possibly we could be blessed with his friend and close compatriot on Warp records, Richard D. James, who always makes for a pleasant, fun experience. [BLEEP!]

M About this Robert Bourassa shtick on Parc Avenue. Let’s not name streets after dead politicians, let’s name them after now defunct influential local rock bands! I’m thinking of such potentials as Offenbach Alley, Nils Street, the ever popular Avenue du Men Without Hats, and let’s not forget Chromosome Crescent—don’t go there late at night alone. Take it easy. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is for Howard in the bookshop. This is Jeanette, a friend of yours. Ryan Larkin is being looked after by a friend of his called Laurie. Don’t worry about him, he’s doing well. He’s in the country, Ste-Hyacinthe. So please don’t worry, all is well. Big kisses, bye. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m calling to talk about ANNOYING NEIGHBOURS—particularly those who seem to think that it’s all right to play music till 4:30 in the morning and to have band rehearsals. Apartments aren’t studios! They aren’t rehearsal spaces! They aren’t places for gathering at 4:30 in the morning! Just because you can’t afford to live in a place and you have to bunch together with five other people and bitch about how neighbourhoods are changing and how you can’t afford things other than DOLLAR PIZZA doesn’t mean that you and your group of friends should get together and ruin other people’s lives. Maybe you should try getting a job for once! See what it’s like to get up at seven o’clock in the morning, see what it’s like contributing to society other than maybe buying a pint or—who knows—a bottle of RUBBING ALCOHOL at Pharmaprix. I encourage people, if your neighbours are bothering you, call the Bennett housing line—they can give you advice on what to do—and check out the Regie’s Web site. Or call the local police station. You have rights. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who posted a rant about ALEC BALDWIN. He was in Glengarry Glen Ross and not you so fuck you. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the guy trying to get the number of the girl at the Bifteck. I don’t get it, man. If you were playing pool right next to her the whole night, why didn’t you go up and talk to her or ask for her number? People wonder why I date THE BROTHERS, it’s because they have one thing you lack. That’s balls, suckers. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™. So after my asshole boyfriend broke up with me because he was fucking somebody else and didn’t bother telling me for about two weeks, as I was crying and drinking whiskey walking down Ste-Catherine street, I noticed everyone looked FAT IN RED. You can’t pull it off, you all look fat. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, dudes, I’m asking you, why do we chat on those SILLY GAY WEB SITES? They’re chock full of crazy, depraved and obsessed sex addicts or with guys on a profound depression with very little to give. I’m telling you, let’s hit the bars of the Village again and get the truly sexy MEAT and the pleasure of conversation en temps réel. See you there. [BLEEP!]

M Bacon and eggs—very bad for breakfast, to eat that more than once a week. Bagels and cream cheese—very bad to eat that for breakfast more than once a week. Go look at the people who do that, see how healthy they look and ask yourself if you think you should be doing that too. Okay? Look for better solutions for breakfast if you wanna be healthy, okay? That’s my note today. [BLEEP!]

F Have any of you ladies out there ever gotten a PIMPLE ON YOUR NOUNE? Seriously, it is, like, the most painfullest thing! You put hot compresses and you wait for the goddamn thing to bust on its own because there’s no way in hell you’re going to squeeze your twat. And, seriously, with these friggin’ ingrown hairs—even though you shave it all off, you still get one nasty number that does that! Man, I don’t know what it’s like giving birth to a child but, seriously, having a pimple on your twat is just as evil. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum