M Yo, what’s up, Montreal? This is an official shakedown, okay? I got a message for les Saints. I was there on Saturday night to see an AMAZING BURLESQUE show—Suicide Girls rocked! Great venue, great show, amazing. What was wrong with it, you ask? One, bad coordination. The doors opened late, the show didn’t start until a lot later, you’ve heard it all before. But they made us wait in front of the stage for an hour-and-a-half without saying anything. I think it’s so they could milk the bar, simultaneously cutting all of the cold water out of the taps so there was only boiling water, so you had to buy water if you weren’t into drinking. And when people started chanting “Suicide Girls,” they drowned us out with even louder HILLBILLY MUSIC. The consequences of that were pretty clear because I’ve never seen a burlesque show where almost five FIGHTS break out in the audience. That’s what happens when people get bored, drunk, thirsty and treated like freakin’ cattle. Peace. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m just calling about Nick Diamonds’ HAIR. Last Friday at the Islands show, he came out with a brand new short haircut. Why in the world would he have cut it? There’d better be a good reason. I mean, his hair had remained silky perfection since the Unicorns. It was like, legendary. And then I felt like he had lost his mojo—he used to be such a mystery. Anyway, I just hope it will have grown back when he comes back from the tour. Until then, I’ll just pretend it never happened. Oh, and word out to the 14-year-olds who thought it would be cool to start a mosh pit: next time, stay home. It’s way past your bedtime anyway. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. This is for the EVIL QUEEN who was grabbing people by their belts and pulling them down into their seats at the Pet Shop Boys concert in the first balcony. What the hell was that, girl? If you go to a Pet Shop Boys concert, for Christ’s sake, it’s not the opera—people are gonna dance! You made everybody in the little vicinity where we were afraid to dance! So thank God people finally started dancing when they played “Domino Dancing” and you weren’t able to restrain them. Because you made a lot of people unhappy and you spoiled a lot of the fun. So if you’re going to be in a bad mood, don’t go to the concert, okay? [BLEEP!]

M If you’re that sexy girl who was playing pool at Bifteck on Saturday night wearing the all-in-one jumper skirt with the short, sharp blonde hair and the CLASSY PURPLE SHOES, call me. We made eye contact. I was playing pool beside you. [Leaves phone number] You’re glorious. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy who met a RACCOON in an alley. If the raccoon is benevolent-looking, you might be able to sneak by him. But whatever you do, don’t provoke him, because they’re nasty little bitches and you might as well rub your dick in steak sauce. If he’s already fuckin’ angry, just back out of there, because those things have enough anger and power and viciousness to take down a full grown German Shepherd. They’ve got pretty BIG CLAWS. [BLEEP!]

F If you run into a raccoon, back the fuck away. They’re really vicious. I lived on a farm this summer and in the middle of the night we went raccoon hunting and Robbie put four BULLETS into a raccoon and it still wouldn’t die, so he had to smash his head with a ROCK. And don’t wait for it to become conscious again, because then it’s even more angry. Just walk away. [BLEEP!]

M Listen up, this one’s about raccoons. Now, look, it all depends on the AGE of the raccoon. If they’re very young, i.e. in the middle of the summer, and they’re looking maybe two feet long, a bit round in the middle, then you should pick them up and take them home with you because they’re fucking amazing pets. Like maybe you might meet one in July, and it’s lost its mother—it will be a great pet until the end of August, September. And then they start to want to MATE and become a bit troublesome—they want to bite, they get a bit anxious. So that’s my first bit of advice. Now if you meet an older one, i.e. it’s after September, then what you want to do is get down very close to the ground, cuz that’s what they’re going to do. They put their noses right on the ground, they put their feet out and make this little hissing sound, and you should do exactly the same thing and see if you can have kind of a raccoon CONVERSATION with them. Now those are my two bits of advice. So analyze your object and then behave appropriately. Good luck. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. We’re in Montreal and we need a MECHANICAL BULL. Please, inform us of that. [BLEEP!]

F To the people wondering why it’s called a blowjob and not a suckjob—because when we suck, you blow. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M One means swallow and the other means get your face out of the way. Simple enough? [BLEEP!]

F Because it’s not going to suck and it’s going to blow your mind. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum