by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Melissa Cromwell

Age: 22

Occupation: Communications assistant/relay operator

Bio: This saucy NDG gal and former dungeon assistant to a male dominant sure knows her way around a telephone, having laboured extensively in the telemarketing and phone sex industries before accepting her current position at Nordia, a locally-based firm with a contract from the state of California to provide phone services for that state’s hearing-impaired population. Armed with just her alluring voice and a keyboard, for the past two years Melissa has been communicating phone calls between the deaf and whoever it is they may be in contact with, be that their local pizza delivery joint, a jilted lover or perhaps even the receptionist at their nearby medical clinic informing them that the burning sensation they’ve been feeling when they pee is, indeed, the result of something nasty. She says her dream job would be to work as an illustrator for Heavy Metal magazine.

Is it safe to assume that when clients call up to have someone communicate their phone sex calls, the Nordia switchboard automatically sends said calls over to her? “No, but I do get lots of strange calls.”

One difficult situation Melissa has to deal with on a regular basis: Communicating fraudulent telemarketing scams to her clients, knowing full well that they’re being ripped off, but not being allowed to burst in on the conversation to warn them they’re being scammed. “You really want to give people the heads up, but we have to be totally transparent, it’s not our place to interrupt a conversation with our opinions about it, under any circumstance. It makes you feel bad, but there’s nothing we can do.”

Does she ever get the follow-up calls from the same person crying over the phone to friends, family and police about how their entire retirement fund has mysteriously been emptied from their bank accounts? “No, surprisingly, not yet.”

The key to making money in phone sex: “You’ve really got to develop a client base that feels like they know you personally. Otherwise, they call, they talk, they cum and hang up. You can’t really make any money if you can’t keep them on the line. Once they cum, it’s always over.”

Given that the trick is to delay customers their orgasm, did she ever, when she felt her client was about to shoot sooner than she’d like, offer tidbits up like, “Oh, excuse me for a second, I just farted and I’m really enjoying the smell, would you mind holding off for a minute while I savour it?” or other, arguably un-sexy verbal sex-play to keep her men from cumming? “Uh, no.”

In her entire phone sex career, did she ever once find herself getting turned on by a call? “Oh yes, sure, maybe 15, 20 per cent of the time.”

Musical preferences: Billy Talent, City and Colour.

Where you might find her boozin’: Ciné-Express. “It’s a really chill place—and cheap too.”

Last book read: The Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll, by Suroosh Alvi, Gavin McInnes and Shane Smith.

Words of wisdom: “Be as open-minded as possible.”

Comments? dimwit@hdot.net