F See, I always thought pop was about getting fucked in your ass while maintaining a CHEESY smile on your face. But bands like 3 Inches of Blood and A Javelin Reign, I really don’t get it. Isn’t pop, like, Backstreet Boys and fucking crap? Explain it to me, please. [BLEEP!]

M What’s up? This is LGS, a long-time listener, first-time caller. I want to know what’s up with Lorraine Carpenter and her dismissal of the new Beck album. Did she even listen to it? Quote: “It’s been rumoured that Beck doesn’t give a crap anymore.” I mean, come on! I just listened to it and it blew my mind. People are entitled to their own opinions, I guess, but why do you have to be such a hater? Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F May I just say that Duchess Says are amazing! They put on a really good set Saturday night and I wish that everybody would perform like that. They were so good and I love the Duchess. But I also want to complain about the band that performed after—I think they’re called Crystal CASTLES—what is up with the attitude? They are always late to everything, though this time, by luck, they were not late. But what is up with the attitude? The guy comes in with a scarf and his hood pulled up over his head and the girl doesn’t even know how to scream—they were terrible. But I love Duchess Says. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, two military HELICOPTERS flying overhead for two fucking days and you couldn’t find the guy crawling in my fucking window and ripping me off for everything I had, you fucks? So am I supposed to feel safe, assholes? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, my name is Eric. I just read the Rant Line™ about people being poor who are considered cute. Listen, come next Thursday at Square Berri around six o’clock, I’ll show you a whole bunch of people that are way way way gorgeous. P.S. Wear a dollar sign so we know who to rob, eh? [BLEEP!]

M Yo, wassup? Yo, I just ran into a RACCOON for the second time in my life and I was just wondering if anybody out there had tips on what to do when you face a raccoon in the middle of an alley or a street when you’re going home all drunk and stuff. I’d like to know because everyone’s always talking about what you do when you see a bear but what are you gonna do when you see a raccoon? So any tips would be appreciated. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I just want to let all you Montreal girls know—the ones with the WHITE TOPS and the black bras underneath—to keep it up, you all look awesome. I love you all. [BLEEP!]

M Do not wear your CANADIAN FLAG when you travel now around the world, okay? Stephen Harper took care of that, okay? You’ll be in the same danger that the Americans are in. Thank you, Stephen Harper. Thank you, Jean Charest. Thank you, other brown-nosing politicians, sell-out traitors. [BLEEP!]

F I would actually really like to know why it’s called a blowjob and not a suckjob. I have no idea. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m with my friend and we’re just reading about the difference between a blowjob and a suckjob. But I don’t get it. She doesn’t get it. We don’t get it. So, that’s all. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. My name’s Eric. I’ve been reading the Rant Line™ for as long as I can remember and I haven’t often called, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever, but there was this one rant, anyway, whatever, this girl left this rant about the difference between a blowjob and a suckjob. I’m really, really interested in hearing or reading or whatever what this girl has to say. So, yeah, that’s it. Maybe you could edit this for me? [BLEEP!]

F We are appreciative of calling the Rant Line™. I had a boyfriend and I mentioned a long time ago in the Rant Line™ that he did not PEE in the shower. Well, now, after what everyone said, he PEES ON ME in the shower and it becomes quite uncomfortable. He pees on me and it’s kind of hot but it’s not really attractive. He also thinks it’s hot when I’m giving him head and I’m like pissing in the toilet—I’m starting to think my boyfriend’s a SICKO. Yeah. So it’s not hot. Anyway, I don’t know what guys who are into golden showers are up to—can we please get a response as to why guys like golden showers? Or along the lines of that? Thank you and have a good night. [BLEEP!]

F Totally bad idea calling the Rant Line™ when you’re fucked up or drunk because next week, if it’s posted, you’ll be, like, ‘Who the fuck did that? Was that me?’ It can be very embarrassing to read. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M This is John from the John School Dropouts. I’m here at a civilized Thanksgiving dinner tonight and it just came up in the conversation to the point of debate where we discussed what was better to eat: HOT SHIT or COLD SHIT. That is, if you had to eat shit. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum