Dear Sasha: A few months back I came up to bed and found my wife’s laptop on and open to a lesbian chat page. I should have respected her privacy and left it alone, but I read the whole conversation. I won’t go into the content, but it shocked me and not in a good way. This is a woman that, in our dozen years or so together, has not strayed far from the missionary position, because that is in her words “not who she is.” I couldn’t broach the subject without letting her know I had been snooping, so I waited for an opportunity to dig deeper and again found videos and sites that I now wish I hadn’t. They were all lesbian—fine, because every guy fantasizes about his wife and another girl—but they were also all rape and violation videos, and there were so many. This is where it starts to get messy.

Thinking I was clever, I asked to use her laptop for a quick check of something, only to “accidentally” find a link to a lesbian chat site. I brought it up jokingly, and asked her if she visited lesbian chat sites, which she denied, let alone ever chatting. She became very upset and accused me of calling her a liar. I did my usual “fine, I’m tired, I’m going up to bed” passive-aggressive thing, but then she tearfully admitted she was curious and only chatted once long ago, and it was about life in general. Big friggin’ lie. I smiled and reassured her that I was cool with it, and we would move on and I would never bring it up again.

We both have gay friends and family and have taught our children to accept it as normal. She goes out regularly with her lesbian friends to dyke bars but I no longer trust her. I pretend everything is okay, but she knows that something is wrong and asks often. On more than one occasion, I have lost my erection during sex because I no longer trust her motives and I am angry and depressed. Is she cheating? Is she going through a phase? Is she lesbian? Bisexual? Is she in denial? I know that I am. —Lesbian’s Husband?

Dear Hubbie,
Oh sure, it’s all fun and games ’til you find out the missus is a lesbian. And not like the ones over at Vivid Video who wait for you to get home from work before they start eating someone out.

Modern technology has sure taken snooping to specific heights. Letters 12 years ago that read, “I think my husband is gay” now read, “I think my husband is a leather daddy into watersports.” Obviously, I can’t tell you if your wife is bisexual, lesbian, in a phase or in denial herself, but I will say that you have some classic cheating behaviour on deck. Check it out:

1. Deny (“I would never do that”)

2. Deflect (“How dare you imply I would do that”)

3. Diminish (“Okay I did it but only once”)

And here’s the fourth one, which will rear its head if and when you insist on putting your cards on the table: Discredit (all of that means nothing to her, the relationship with you is paramount, she’ll never do it again, you absolutely have to give her a second chance). Go ahead and accept her claims—and sorry about the alliteration but if I’m ever going to get a fucking book deal I have to start working on my signature catchphrases—but just wait for Digression and Deterioration if you choose to let things slide.

No doubt you believed that having gay friends and family and teaching your kids that fags are normal would be rewarded with a hypocrisy-free environment. But people go to astonishing and sometimes unnecessary lengths to avoid confrontation. Whatever your wife is up to, she’s obviously frightened of losing her family because of it. That’s sad, but it’s also not fair to you. Yes, people lack the skills to articulate their deepest needs —especially when those needs are conflicting and may jeopardize the rest of their life—but your wife’s ulterior actions are causing you to question her character and commitment to you and she’s got some ’splainin’ to do. Look online for sex and queer-positive therapists to help facilitate discussion.

Got any questions for Sasha? Email: POULEDELUXE@YAHOO.COM