M I just want to say when you go to Vinyl on a Saturday night and you see a bunch of indie rock kids bashing each other’s faces in with HAYMAKERS out front, that’s a sure sign that the cocaine problem in this city is way out of control. [BLEEP!]

M I’d like to know what happened to Pony Up’s exclamation point? They can’t possibly be as much fun without it. [BLEEP!]

M I’d just like to say that the food at the Holy Fuck show was as bad as the music. [BLEEP!]

M This is kind of, I guess you’d say, inane, but to all those smoking guitar players out there: why is it that, while I’m playing, BOBBING my friggin’ head like crazy with a cigarette in my mouth, the cigarette can burn all the way to the filter then stay pure ash and just stay on it? Meanwhile, the second I actually stop and carefully try gently to move it to the ashtray, it decides to fall all over me? That shit defies physics. Like I said, inane. [BLEEP!]

F Hey there. So I’m calling about Pop Montreal. I don’t know if dissing your friends’ bands is the new nepotism, but I’m just reading through the program trying to see if there are any shows I want to go to of bands I haven’t heard of yet and I’m finding the little mini-bios pretty stupid. I don’t really care if someone in a band gave Dan Seligman a SANDWICH or if someone was playing table hockey too loudly at a show. It just doesn’t tell me anything interesting or insightful about the bands themselves. I know that everyone at Pop Montreal is probably very busy and didn’t have much time to write these things, but as far as I know the bands submitted their own bios and it doesn’t look like that’s what was used at all, except for the French versions. It’s important to remember that not everyone is friends with all of the bands and therefore doesn’t know whether or not they’re good or worth checking out. So just a little comment. Thanks. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, this is for the girl who ranted two weeks ago, saying people don’t know how to use the Rant Line™. First, you dis people who thank their fans or plug their bands then you p.s. a plug for your own band? Hypocritical dirt-whore! Not only will I not look out for your band, I’ll deliberately TALK TRASH about how full of shit you are! And not only will I not suck your scabby herpes-ridden clitoris, I’m gonna tell your mom about that guy you gave genital warts to because I heard all about that story. No one will ever lick your stinky hole of death again, you slut! Your band sucks! Thank God I’ll never see you naked. Bitch. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, what’s up? If anyone’s going to see Hot Chip, wear a pair of underwear on your head. It’ll be FUN. [BLEEP!]

M This goes to the person who considers the poor CUTE. I’m with you. They have a childlike naivete. [BLEEP!]

F To the person who says he loves poor people, I totally agree. I’m so much happier since I live on the minimum basics and am out of this materialistic world. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F Poor people are cute? Are you serious? If you’re serious, that’s the most condescending horrible thing. Poor people aren’t cute because they shop at the Dollar store—I shop at the Dollar store… maybe I’m cute… but anyway I just can’t believe you said that. [BLEEP!]

F This is in response to the guy who mentioned the penis-like dick in the KFC commercial. Remember the booze commercial where this guy is pouring it into a glass and there’s a LAST DRIP coming out of the bottle and it looks like a dick and the girl puts her mouth under the thing to catch the drop and it’s a cum shot and it’s so awfully sexist and offensive and they even deny the girl the poor cum shot! So think of that for dick imagery in commercials. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I would just like to chalk up another sexy summer for Montreal. Congratulations! It was a record-breaking year for me this summer—as far as taking showers with strange girls. And I also want to thank you for using my dick to clean your SOAPY ass-crack. You’re welcome! Any time, girls. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. I’m calling about LESBIANS—those ones who call themselves lesbians but every time I talk to them, they have this new man they’re in love with or they’re dating. Like, I’m totally for bisexuality and the SEXUALITY SPECTRUM and if they want to date a guy occasionally and still call themselves lesbians, that is perfectly cool. But if you’re dating a guy every time I talk to you, you’re not a lesbian. You’re just not. It’s called bisexuality, bitches. Okay, bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey. I think I just figured out why they call it a blowjob and not a SUCKJOB. So I’m happy about this and I just wondered if everybody else knew the reason. Do people know about this? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum