by MALCOLM FRASER, MATTHEW HAYS and MARK SLUTSKY

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Everyone’s favourite cannibal family is back, this time in convenient prequel form! You too can learn the origins of that nasty clan who clean their plates and crime scenes at once. Director Jonathan Liebesman throws in some nice touches here, including some Vietnam overtones (the best horror movies are the ones with political subtexts).

Still, despite the when-timebegan set-up, TTCM: TB unravels precisely according to formula: unwitting (and very hot) kids get stuck in a house of horrors, learn that not only are they going to die, but probably will be staying for dinner too. It’s ghastly all right, but somewhere, somehow, this stuff lost much of its bite.

Watching things unfold, it’s hard not to think about the ways in which horror movies have changed. Back in the ’70s, the first Chainsaw Massacre film was one of a spate of cheapie exploitation horror films that were truly, deeply disturbing. They boasted rock-bottom production values and looked seriously cheap and nasty (an added bonus). The recent fad of remakes and spin-off horrors all look like a Parasuco Jeans commercial (the crews have all clearly graduated from a film school near you). As gruesome as these films are, wasn’t part of the fun of horror how marginal, cheap and grotty they all looked? Horror buffs will appreciate this film for its undeniable extremities, but I was left feeling nostalgic and longing for days gone by. Final assessment: lukewarm, a tad overdone and could use a bit more seasoning. (MH)

Cheech

Though some may be fearful, and others hopeful, that this is a showcase solo vehicle for Cheech Marin, it is in fact a Quebec ensemble drama. Ron (Patrice Robitaille) is the beleaguered owner of a Montreal escort service. One of those tragically aging Québécois hipsters who rocks the Robert Charlebois ’74 look, he makes efforts to keep his frequent mood swings under control with the aid of anglo self-help books on tape. But he has trouble staying cool; his top escort Jenny (Anick Lemay) is considering going to the competition, his right-hand man Maxime (Maxime Denommée) keeps screwing up simple errands, and another one of his girls, Stéphanie (Fanny Mallette) is having a serious off day with a hapless customer, Olivier (François Letourneau, who also adapted the script from his own play).

Robitaille has to keep it all under control while trying to scheme up a deal with a big-time customer. The titular Cheech is the head of a rival agency, who hovers Godot-like over all the characters’ actions and motivations.

Curiously, this Quebec film is often reminiscent of an English Canadian film—in particular, of Atom Egoyan’s better moments. The characters are all damaged, and they’re connected in ways that slowly reveal themselves over the course of the story. But unlike in Egoyan’s work, the drama is played with emotion rather than cold alienation and lightened with touches of humour. Well executed all around by director Patrice Sauvé and the cast, it’s atmospheric, intriguing and quietly affecting. (MF)

Employee of the Month

Comedian of the month Dane Cook, he of MySpace fame and YouTube glory, makes his bid for movie stardom in this mildly entertaining comedy set in a Costco-like bargain superstore. The set-up isn’t bad: Cook is a slacker dude happy to be consistently outclassed by a keener employee (Dax Shepard), who’s won the Employee of the Month crown 17 months in a row. But when a foxy new cashier (Jessica Simpson) arrives, and word gets out that she’s “into” Employees of the Month, Cook decides to make his run for the crown.

So yes, you can see where the yuks might be had from this fairly basic premise, as Cook and his pals take on the snooty Shepard and his quiet sidekick (Efren Ramirez, best known as Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, and playing the exact same role here).

Cook is competent but not particularly exciting; the supporting cast, including Andy Dick, Brian George and Tim Bagley, definitely outclass him in the comedy chops department. Jessica Simpson’s character, like most female leads in comedies, is sweet and extremely vaguely defined (they don’t even really commit to her Employee of the Month fetish), and she doesn’t really bring much more to the role than lots of boobs and teeth.

There are a few good jokes and some rough patches, and the movie runs about 20 minutes too long. But ultimately, this is the kind of movie you should be happy to drunkenly fall asleep in front of when it shows up on late-night TV. (MS)

Alex Rider: Stormbreaker

Adapted from the mega-successful series by British kids’ novelist Anthony Horowitz, who wrote the screenplay himself, this is a sort of teenage James Bond flick. Newcomer Alex Pettyfer plays the titular hero, a 14-year-old schoolboy who finds himself reluctantly recruited by MI-6 when his spymaster uncle (Ewan McGregor) meets his doom in the line of duty. Pettyfer has to infiltrate an organization led by sleazy entrepreneur Darrius Sayle (Mickey Rourke), who’s planning a massive schoolcomputer donation to Britain, but who MI-6 suspects of harbouring more sinister ambitions. Alicia Silverstone turns up occasionally in the not-completely-explicable role of Alex’s housekeeper, Jack, mostly to help out with moral support and the odd martial-arts fight.

Pettyfer meets up with comically nasty villains (including a disfigured henchman played by Lord of the Rings/King Kong monster Andy Serkis, who seems happy to ride the typecasting gravy train for the time being), gets himself out of sticky situations with the help of convenient gadgetry, and ultimately has to save the entire nation. The only Bond characteristic missing is the array of chicks, but this film seems aimed at a slightly younger age than its hero’s.

Director Geoffrey Sax choreographs elaborate fight and chase scenes with aplomb, somehow cutting them fast enough for the shortattention- span set without falling into the trap of obnoxious MTV-style chaos. Pettyfer is likeable, and Rourke, who shockingly looks worse than ever, plays up the campy supervillain with style. Amiable and wholesome but never boring, Alex Rider is just right for the nine-to-12- year-old in your life. (MF)

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