M This is the guy who made the phone call about the FEMINAZI DYKES playing folk music a few weeks ago. Well, in response to the lady who told me to go off and make my own music—this is for you, you box-eating trash compactor: www.myspace.com/fuckenwolf. Look for the song called “Feminazi Dyke Attack” because that one goes to you. Thanks for the inspiration, hon. [BLEEP!]

M This is Patrick here from Swift Years. I’m calling because a couple of weeks ago I was coming out of the metro on a Sunday afternoon at Lucien-L’Allier going to me gig, and there was the strangest bunch of buskers: a bunch of youngish kids there playing some kind of HILLBILLY MUSIC that involved five string banjo, washtub bass, guitar, somebody playing a box for a bass drum and somebody playing the SKULL of some large ruminant animal with a stick as a percussion instrument. They were all singing harmony. I was really curious to know who they were because they sounded kind of cool. Cheers. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I just wanna comment that the local bands in Montreal are great, better than anywhere else I’ve ever been! And also, to the stupid fucking clowns that go to the ATM during lunch—that’s not the time to pay your fucking bills, do it afterwards!! Make it quick, some people have to get money to go eat lunch. [BLEEP!]

M Just because I had a GAY DREAM about Clay Aiken doesn’t mean I’m not the baddest motherfucker you’ll ever meet. [BLEEP!]

M Every time I hear the song “Crazy,” I get so happy that I have a gas oven. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I keep having this problem where I keep waking up with the WRONG SEX in my bed and I got around to thinking and I realized I think we need to stop the whole androgyny hipster cool thing that’s been going on around this city because, uh, I’ve been feeling like a real douchebag every morning. [BLEEP!]

M The punks on Ste-Catherine Street are not honourable people! They’re not murderers and not robbers, either. What they are is PARASITES of society. Let me give you one quick example. My friend and I were walking on Ste-Catherine Street East, corner of St-Denis, we saw this honourable punk kicking the crap out of his girlfriend in front of a store window, literally kicking her in the head. My friend and I pulled him off. Do you know what the son of a bitch did? He knifed my friend in the arm and he required 12 to 14 stitches. Oh yeah, really nice honourable guy. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I just want to say how pleased I was to see Mary Shelley in the Rant Line™. However, I’m not sure if the punk really meant to suggest the HOMO-EROTICISM present in that quote “I will be with you on your wedding day.” See, the monster loves Victor—Victor Frankenstein—as a son to a father. But maybe it’s a bit more Oedipal than the punk thought. [BLEEP!]

F This is to the girl who left the really long rant last week. You really have a lot of ANGER that you’re dealing with and you need to have your mouth washed out with SOAP. There are other adjectives in the English language. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I’m ranting about Kentucky Fried Chicken, specifically the ad that they’re running a lot on TV lately which shows a bunch of guys filming. All of a sudden, the microphone slips into the scene. It looks like a HUGE DICK—what is up with that? It drives me crazy to see it. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I’m just ranting to say how much I love POOR PEOPLE. I just think it’s the cutest little thing in the global world we have now. For people to be poor and have a dollar store and a welfare cheque and a little family. I just think poverty is the sweetest little thing that no one appreciates and it really is the best community, you know? I just wanna give every poor person a big hello. [BLEEP!]

F For the person who put the WALRUS TEETH on the Agent des Meubles pancarte on rue Lajoie in Outremont. I love you and I hope you do it everywhere. [BLEEP!]

F Who has been rough-housing with the Mirror box at Villeneuve and Parc? It’s broken. You damn kids these days with your hair. I’m gonna have to cut a bitch. [BLEEP!]

F I love my cowboy boots and I just wanna say that everyone in Montreal who’s spending $60 to $600 to $6,000 on stupid, ugly, clearly designer cowboy boots are suckers because I got mine for 35 bucks in Halifax and they are vintage. Take that, you materialistic bitches! And I’m wearing mine to a wedding because they’re that hot. I love my cowboy boots. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Rant Line™, I’m a little bit poverty-stricken right now and I was wondering if you could start to make the Mirror in a fine COTTON because the only thing I use it for is to wipe my ass anyway? Thanks for the consideration. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum