by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Heather Downe

Age: 52

Occupation: Proprietor of Danse EroTeknique

Bio: This boisterous St-Lazare broad has been a dancer all her life, having developed her own “sort of sexy—not erotic, but sexy” dance style way back in the early 1970s. The owner/operator of a series of suburban dance schools in the 1980s and ’90s, as she approached mid-life, Heather decided it was time to give up the dance racket so as to better focus her energies on her family. In early 2004, however, she found herself possessed to place an ad in a Montreal newspaper offering erotic dance lessons and, lo and behold, within two weeks she’d received over 100 calls from excited wannabe students. Her white-hot dance academy, Danse EroTeknique, is currently accepting students for the fall session, with Heather planning on opening a new studio in downtown Montreal early this winter. Go to www.danse-eroteknique.com for more details.

The average age of her students: “Between 30 and 45.”

Is her course more about physical fitness or about how to give a man a boner? “It has nothing to do whatsoever about pleasing a man and everything to do with a woman having empowerment. When the girls are practising in the mirror they aren’t thinking about men. It’s all about them. They’re going inside their souls and trying to bring out this… this woman, that’s in there, that we all have. And once they do, they’re hooked. They start standing up taller, it’s a major confidence builder. And it spices up their sex lives.”

Has she ever informed any particularly unfortunate-looking students that perhaps erotic dance isn’t really the thing for them, that, in fact, their pathetic attempt to be sexy is only going to make people uncomfortable, and that when you stop to think about it, is really just kind of a mean, selfish and inconsiderate activity for them to pursue? Not yet. “All women are beautiful. The most important thing about this course is getting women to come out of their shells—with an appreciation of their body no matter what shape it’s in. Because with so many women, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing this beautiful goddess, they’re going ‘Ohmigod, I’ve got to lose a few inches from my waist.’ We’ve got to stop women from looking at themselves this way.”

Do goddesses ever come looking for their money back after hearing their men go, “Well, that’s wonderful, dear, but anyway you wanna unravel it, it’s still the same old beav I’ve been boinking for years now, so, like, if you really wanna spend your money on something that’ll get me off, here’s the number of a teenage hooker I’ve heard about who works cheap and is said to be totally hot”? “No, absolutely not! What I do get are women reporting that it was an unbelievable experience—that their husbands were flabbergasted!”

Musical preferences: Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguilera.

Words of wisdom: “There’s a revolution happening right now, a sexual revolution, and women should try to explore it rather than be afraid of it.”

Comments? dimwit@hdot.net