by RAF KATIGBAK

By the time you read this you will probably have learned everything there is to learn about Kimveer Gill. In the wake of senseless tragedies like the Dawson College shootings, we are desperate to understand what could have caused a young man to do such heinous things, and perhaps more importantly, how we can keep it from happening again. The biggest question is why?

Was it the music he listened to? Probably not. Apparently he was a Megadeth fan, but given frontman Dave Mustaine’s recent pussification in the eyes of metal-heads everywhere, that notion is unlikely. Was it video games? Well, as Kristian Wilson from Nintendo famously put it in 1989, “If Pac-Man affected kids born in the ’80s, we should now have a bunch of teenagers who run around in darkened rooms and eat pills while listening to monotonous electronic music.”

Well then, it must be that crazy goth culture Gill was so wrapped up in; those guys are obsessed with death and violence. Perhaps. But if you’ve every really talked with any goths you’d probably already know that they are actually quite a chipper bunch, whose only crimes would be over-accessorising and the brazen use of rhymes like “twisted soul” with “no control” in their poetry.

My theory? Kimveer was suffering from what medical professionals call being “bat shit insane.” The real truth is, we’ll probably never know.

What we do know is that two Sundays ago, a 1974 Cessna Skyhawk aircraft safely touched down on Parc Ave. Much to the mind-blowing delight of some of the regular tam-tam revellers—a few of whom slowly descended on the plane acting as if it was a gift from the drum gods for their laying down of a totally sick groove. Then, two days later in a similar incident, a small four-person Piper Cherokee plane landed on Kimber Blvd. in St-Hubert.

Coincidence? According to aviation expert John Cottreau of the Transportation Safety Board of Canada, emergency landings are extremely rare. In fact, between 1996 and 2005 only three small planes have had to make emergency landings in Quebec. If you take into account that there is an average of 420,000 takeoffs and landings of small, privately owned aircraft each year in this province, and if memories of my CEGEP statistics courses hold up, the chances of having two emergency landings on Montreal streets in the span of two days is exactly... that’s 420,000... divided by... carry the one... multiplied by... well, it’s basically slimmer than that other Olsen twin.

By deductive reasoning it follows that this is no coincidence. Think about it, both planes landed around 4 p.m., in both cases the pilots and passengers walked away with no more than a few bruises and neither incident is prompting further investigation from the transport authorities or safety commission. What are they trying to hide?

Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out: city officials are planning to turn the entire Plateau into one big international airport.

Just look at recent headlines and it becomes plain as day: after an investigative report called into question the security at Trudeau International Airport, transport officials are looking for an extreme route to ensure air safety. By making the whole process absolutely transparent, soon citizens will be forced to police themselves and only they can be to blame for any safety slip-ups. Oh, somebody made it onto the plane with a pair of scissors and a high-powered sniper rifle? Tough titties grandma, you should’ve checked his bag more thoroughly, that’s why they invented bi-focals.

On the bright side, visitors will soon enjoy the Old World charm of Montreal right off the plane. When landing along the newly widened Parc Ave. downtown, the smell of garbage will thankfully be overpowered by jet fuel fumes and the problem of litter will almost completely be eliminated as the exhaust from the engines sweeps away debris, eliminating the need for those sinister scorpions of sanitation that seem to enjoy running people off sidewalks (damn you Mad-Vac!).

Is it a coincidence that Montreal recently announced spending $25-million on “road improvements” of the Main with “better lighting and sidewalks” (i.e. runway guide lights and moving sidewalks)? Soon the Main will be entirely duty free and your choice of last minute gifts will expand from just a stuffed moose and a can of maple syrup to overpriced plain cotton tees and 700 different styles of Ugg boots. Got an important high-powered business meeting when you touch down but didn’t have time to groom? Why not show that regional sales manager you’re not afraid of taking chances by getting a hip angular haircut at one of the many chic salons?

The sky is, indeed, the limit.

Riff-Raff@sympatico.ca

>> Music Listings