F So it’s Sunday night and I just got home a little earlier than I was expecting to. Why, you ask? Well, I was going to go to Petit Campus to see Richard Buckner. And I did go to Petit Campus but the girl at the door told me that his show was cancelled. Why, I asked. Because, she replied, this afternoon he parked his car around the corner and someone broke into said car and took his passport, and maybe his wallet and other stuff. Probably other stuff means guitar and whatever else he was planning to use for his show. So this is to the pathetic individual who took Richard Buckner’s stuff. Maybe you thought you were ripping off some rich-ass big time musician who can just walk into Steve’s or some place and get himself a brand new guitar any old time he feels like it. Well, guess what? He drove himself here in his own car, he wasn’t chauffeured in some fancy-ass tour bus! Yes, you could argue, he’s got a car and that makes him PRIVILEGED, but he was supposed to play at Petit Campus—not Le Gros Campus or Le Grand Campus or the fucking Gigantico Campus. In case you’re an anglo wanker with less than three words of French in your skill set, petit means SMALL. Mr. Buckner, unfortunately, is not able to fill yonder Metropolis and rake in the big bucks. He’s a struggling artist like about 95 per cent of the people I know. So why don’t you just walk on over—I’ll assume you haven’t stolen someone else’s car—to the Petit Campus and return Mr. Buckner’s stuff, if you haven’t PAWNED it yet. At least, for God’s sake, return his passport so he can get himself to his next show – not that he can give one without his guitar. And a handwritten and heartfelt apology to Mr. Buckner for stealing his stuff would also do wonders for your karma. Right. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who complained about FEMINAZI dykes thinking that they’re folk artists. If you have a problem with the music people are making, why don’t you go out and make your own? And if you’re already doing that, you still don’t have the right to criticize an entire genre of music just because you don’t agree with the people who are making it. Also, feminazi dyke is quite a horrible term and I could quite easily call you a PATRIARCHAL BREEDER. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy complaining about the hordes of punks on Ste-Catherine street. I just wanna say that you are completely 100 per cent WRONG. Dude, I was a punk, six years ago when I was a kid. It was a stage in my life. You might notice that most of the punks that are at Berri are kids —they’re not MURDERERS and robbers! I’ll tell you one thing I learned on the street, man: nobody in this fucking world has a sense of honour like the street people do. That’s because it is all we got left: our word and our bond. You take that away from us, we got nothing. We are honourable people. Yes, sir, we’re doing PCP and getting drunk and hammered and what not—maybe it’s because it’s a little easier to deal with our lives in that fucking fashion than being sober, all right? So for all you who think that you know what’s going on at Berri, that you know what is in these kids’ minds, until you actually meet them, sit down and talk to them and then they blow you off, you can go fuck yourselves. Because, I’ll tell you what, man, we’re a lot more friendly than you motherfuckers are when we ask you for fucking change. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, I’ve got a fucking rant. To all the stupid motherfuckers who read this Rant Line™, do you honestly think any of this is funny? It seems that people don’t understand the fucking meaning of the verb to rant. It doesn’t mean advertise your retarded, piece of shit DJ, new wave, indie, fuck-whatever music. It doesn’t fucking mean let’s all get in a circle and ask stupid fuck questions, like, “Duh, I don’t know how to speak to Rant Line—what should I do?” or “Duh, why do people take down my posters?” SHUT THE FUCK UP. It definitely doesn’t mean, “Hello, everyone, thank you for coming to our show. Please come again and raise money for such and such.” SUCK MY CLITORIS. This one goes to the guy who ranted about the street punks. Have you ever lived on the fucking street? Have you grown up in a broken fucking home? Have you had real shitty parents? Have you never been hired because you have tattoos or piercings? I don’t fucking think so. I know a few street punks and they’re really fucking nice and they’re the sweetest fucking people who just wanna have a little fucking fun with their lives. But people like you in society don’t let them. So before ranting about them, try being them, needle-dick. You can LICK MY ANUS TWICE for that. And to the guy who ranted about West Islanders. I agree. Fuck you, West Island. I also agree with the guy who spoke about the Feminazi dykes— stop playing guitar, you’re not Alanis Morissette, you carpet-munchers! And to everyone else who isn’t someone who wants to rip people’s nuts off, fuck you and your uneducated minds. You’re all low life sewer rats who have nothing better to do than spread diseases. That’s my fucking rant. P.S. Watch out for a band called MR. MAN AND THE COFFEE BOMBS. I’ll be their lead singer and I’ll be half naked. Have an orgasmic day. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, girls who HOVER when they pee in public bathrooms, don’t pee on the seat. It’s called AIM, you idiots. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum