It’s about time the U.S. Department of Defense responded to accusations of unpleasantness at Guantanamo Bay. And who’d have thought they could do it in such a concise and fun-filled way? The DOD’s recently-released “Ten Facts about Guantanamo” could have only been better in Wonderword format.

Who knew that prisoners have been getting pudgy on the 4,200 calories-worth of food per day? Surely the British doctors who condemned their government’s “shameful failure” in making sure British prisoners got proper health care didn’t see fact Number 4: medical, dental, psychiatric and optometric care are on the house. The White House, that is!

Number 8 reveals that televisions were prescribed for World Cup Fever, and prisoners have access to a 3,500-volume library, with Harry Potter books being the most borrowed. The goodwill doesn’t end at the front gates, either. According to Number 7, departing guests are pimped out in fresh denim and given a Koran, toiletries and a pillow and blanket for the trip home.

Raining on the parade at Number 10 is the only verifiable fact on the list, as the DOD ironically notes that Amnesty International condemned Guantanamo as “the gulag of our times.”

» Scott Saxon