Screw you Charlton Heston. And that goes double for the lame-ass Second Amendment-clinging weaklings who insist they need a gun to defend their Hank Williams CDs and fortified compounds. All you cowards can take a lesson from 51-year-old Susan Kuhnhausen. The Portland, Oregon, nurse came home from work recently to find a hardened criminal in the process of burgling her house. Did she fill him full of hot lead? No sir. Instead, Susan Kuhnhausen killed the man with her own bare hands.

Convicted felon Edward Dalton Haffey probably didn’t expect much trouble when he broke in to Kuhnhausen’s house, and may not even have been too put off by the 5-foot-7, 260-pound woman when she caught him in the act. Similarly, Kuhnhausen had no way of knowing that Haffey had already served time for robbery and conspiracy to commit aggravated murder when she put her hands around his neck and squeezed the life out of him.

“Everyone that I’ve talked to says ‘Hooray for Susan!’” reports one Kuhnhausen neighbour, who also explained that Kuhnhausen’s work as an emergency room nurse readied her for “dealing with crisis.”

» Scott Saxon